I've been expecting the boys to be little 'nightmare' babies lately, as they are, after all, nine months old.... At nine months, they should be sleeping horrible and cranky (or so I am told). They, however, seem to be doing fine. They are cutting teeth like champs and really not too fussy. They are hitting milestones and learning new skills every day. They are handling growth spurts amazingly! It's wonderful!
However, I am tired! I didn't know that nine months was going to hit me like a ton of bricks! I don't know if it is the months upon months of broken sleep (because yes, I do get sleep - more than many people with just one baby!). Or maybe it is the extras that I keep adding to my calendar and life. Either way, people keep telling me that I make it look 'easy', but it isn't easy. It is tiring - mostly, it is mentally tiring!
Don't get me wrong, life is good. The kids are good. I love being a mom. At nine months in, I feel like I am floundering a bit. At this point, many women are preparing for their 'big return' to the working world. As a former 'workaholic', I often thrive off of being home and accomplishing a lot. Daily tasks and the 'extras' are great; however, I feel like I have constant cabin fever. I feel like I need to get out and be 'me.'
Even more than just being 'me', I feel like I need to establish who I am going to be outside of these four walls again. I love being a mom. Being a mom is awesome, but I look forward and see when all the kids are gone. Will I recognize who is looking back in the mirror?
Many things that I enjoy have taken a second seat, and that is fine. A lot of new things are entering the picture and filling voids where other things have been put on the backburner. However, sometimes, I want the things on the backburner to be up front again... if you know what I mean... I've taken on some extras outside of the house lately (which leads to less late nights for typing on here). I need to find a balance though. When will things balance out?
I know that a lot of this is 'feelings', but sometimes feelings are hard to separate from reality. When does a feeling become a valid concern? Maybe cabin fever makes me think to much?
Who knew that the boys turning nine months would be tougher on me? Who knew that it might be my big growth spurt?
I completely understand where you are coming from and I totally blame it on cabin fever. I was feeling the same way about a month ago... like I've lost my identity... like I lost 'me'. It's a bit better now but it took getting out a little more. If it's possible for you, when your DH is ever off, I definitely recommend a date night.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we just need a night off to be ourselves once in a while.