Where has the year gone?? {Happy, Sad, Grief, Life}

*this turned out a bit different than I anticipated. I promise that I will eventually return to fun blogs. My heart and head just aren't there yet... in the meantime, read about where I am at!*

It's almost October, yet it feels like this year hasn't even started  yet. To say that this year has been full is an understatement. This year has been more full, confusing, sad, happy, bleh, and exciting than any year I've lived so far. I'm not going to say that I haven't 'lived' this year. I'm not going to say that I have, either. It's just been a year. One that I will eagerly put to rest, and one that I will sadly put to rest. Hmmmm. How can I sum this up?

This year has been riddled with devastation. The loss of Caroline affects me (and my family members) daily. There is not a day, and rarely a couple hours, that goes by without me thinking of her. Even Norah mentions her often. Although we had 'expected' it, her death is something that we would never be prepared for. It is something that I accept, but I don't want to accept at the same time, because it absolutely sucks to live. Life without Caroline is different. It has left a hole, and it hurts. I'm actually surprised at how hard it is to just accept that she is gone. I know she is gone. I know it. It just really sucks. In trying to sum up life without her, I am left feeling devastated, as I don't even know how else to describe it. So many parts of my every day life remind me of her and it makes me miss her more. It is devastating even to think back lovingly of her and how awesome she was. Always giving of herself and her time and anything that she could give. I miss her random pop ins and our nights watching Jersey Shore or Snooki & JWoww (as we didn't even finish it, as she was not feeling up to it, and I just didn't bother without her). I miss her unsolicited, but always gracious, fashion tips. I miss her smiling, even when she disapproved of something I did or said, although you could always tell what she was thinking. Sometimes, especially in the middle of the night, I wake up in a panic, because I can't remember what she sounds like. Then, sure enough, I can hear her laughing, as she smiles and says she is fine..... She's fine. It's us who are dealing with it. .... and it sucks.

This year has been full of illness and death. To be honest, it's kind of morbid, but I've told several people that if they survive this year, then they're probably going to last another 10, because, man, this year is a whopper! I stopped counting the number of people that I knew who died after March. When we hit 15 by the beginning of March, I just couldn't do it anymore. I don't look at obituaries, which is, oddly enough, a favourite pastime. I love reading about people and where they have been and what they were like. This year, it's been too many familiar faces. Too many people who wanted to live, who lost their battles, who I didn't expect to see go. I've stopped going to the funeral home to say good-byes for now. I feel like I really don't have anything left to give in that department. I guess it could sound selfish, but it feels like, as time passes, it's almost getting harder to see all of these faces for one last time. It's probably not the number, but, rather, the strength of will to live that has passed away with these people. So many that I really would have thought would live forever. I guess you could call it a slap in the face of mortality. A conversation with some customers at the restaurant summed it up easily. "It is not hard to say good-bye to someone who dies. It is very hard to say good-bye to someone who is fighting to live."

The year has been mostly under a cloud. It's interesting what the brain does to protect itself. Earlier in the year, we went through a course about the grieving process. It taught about grief and how it is a normal experience. No one should be afraid to grieve. People need the time and space to grieve. It is a natural process, and it will happen whether you want it to or not. We went through this course, and, about half way through, a big cloud lifted. I didn't even know that this cloud existed. It was like a big weight lifted off of my shoulders and I could breathe easier. It was so cool. A few months later, it happened again. It's just the stages. I see them happen. I feel them happen. I don't always know where I'm at in the process, but it will catch up to me so I have to let it be.

It has been a year full of learning - especially about myself. I've learned that I have an addiction to being busy. Seriously, I'm not even going to get into details with this... hahahaha, too busy for my own good. I should attach a picture of my calendar... :S ... on second thought, no way. .... If someone asks me for help, then I will do my best to accommodate. I've learned how I react in extreme stress (and that is to regain control of what I can to reassure myself that what I CAN do is being done). I've learned that I need to take better care of myself, which is hard to do with a young family and I STILL need to make a priority. I've learned that I need to use the supports that are available to me. I've learned never to apply for a mortgage in the summertime. I've learned never to give a marker to a two year old and forget about it. :) I've learned that family means a lot more to me than I ever could have dreamed. I've learned to be more thankful for my family and to prioritize them, as who knows when their last day will be.

This year, despite all the downs, has been a year full of joy. We welcomed our fourth child, Evelyn Lilly, to our family. I had an amazing delivery and recovery, although my work-aholic self needs to learn to take a break at times. She is just the best baby. When they say God will give you what you can handle, I feel that is the case with Evelyn. She grounds me. She is so calm and gentle, even as an infant. When I feel overwhelmed, her peacefulness helps me to relax. She reminds me of her aunt Caroline, although she looks like her aunt Jackie to me. :) (which reminds me, how many kids is TOO many again??? I'd have a bunch more if I had a way to drive them around and a bigger house!)
I have been speaking to my sisters more often, which always brings joy. I miss them, but our lines of communication seem to flow easier. We all need each other, and we all know we are there for each other. It is great just knowing that they are on the other end sometimes (sisters by blood and not :D )... Norah has started homeschooling, and I love it. The one-on-one time with her has really helped the two of us. We are developing a better balance and she is excelling, even more than I thought she would. The boys are growing by leaps and bounds. Although they look like little men, they are still snuggle-bugs. They are almost three already and definitely test boundaries. Most days it's fine. Other days, I do wonder why God would ever give people more than one baby at a time.... and then when they both snuggle up, I remember. :) One thing that brings us great joy is the launching of 'Caroline's Christmas Gift' to help out a local woman. I'm sure that I'll blog more about this. We are very excited!! It will help us to get through the Christmas season a bit easier.. :)

Life, overall, is good. :) I mean, what would life be without a few bumps in the road?? (ok. Caroline dying is NOT a bump in the road. That was a sinkhole. I'd happily do anything to have her back. Realistically, I know that isn't going to happen, but I'd take even one more minute.)

So, I guess this turned into an update blog. Just a lot going on. That said, I am trying to recommit to blogging. I find it really hard to pick out the fun times to blog about like I used to. I'm trying though!! I find that when I sit down to write, all I want to write about it Caroline. I know that it is a season. I know that I won't forget her. I just want to spend time thinking about her and remembering her... and sometimes, when I sit to write, that is the time that I have to spend remembering her. So, I guess I'm apologizing if you don't want to read about her. I will eventually *hopefully* transition back to the funny, real-life play-by-play of life with my Littles. In the meantime, please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers. Some days can definitely be a struggle. Some days are easier.... All days are still full of missing her.

Tell me one more time!

I've had many encounters over the last month that make me shake my head and wonder (often in my head at the moment... and then aloud later) 'WHAT THE EFF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!?'

I get it. I'm overweight at the moment. I just had a baby two months ago. What is your excuse? I also get that since I work with the public, I am scrutinized more - and by many more people. What I don't like is the fact that people's comments are starting to get to me. I already feel yucky sometimes, especially in this heat and humidity. Really though, I don't know why the extra 25 pounds I have on is so concerning to so many.

 The comments started when she was about a month old. The joys of it being that many are from people that I don't even know. The rest coming from people that I hardly know.

'How are you going to get all of that weight off?'....... <face palm>  Honestly, I plan to eat like a pig and do nothing, but hope for the best. Seriously?? I'm not a heifer. I obviously am well aware that I have extra weight at the moment. How about I worry about it in a few more months if nothing fits STILL... I have had several people ask me this. I didn't know that my weight was so important to so many.

'So, when are you planning to have the baby?'....... <visibly irritated yet still trying not to show it>... I had her two months ago, so not any time soon?? How am I even supposed to respond to that? At least ask how the baby is doing or something after asking this question.... I made it my personal goal never to assume someone was pregnant, as sometimes they may have just had a baby or, hey, maybe they are  just overweight.... and honestly, it is none of my business either way.

'You're pregnant again? Already?' ..... <clenching fists> No, dipshit, I just haven't lost all the babyweight yet. Really??? You know that I JUST had a baby. Even if you MIGHT be joking. Take a hike. Off a cliff.

.... and my new personal favourite.........
A random stranger was walking by this morning. Norah was in the front yard watching a Monarch butterfly. Andy and Everett were helping me to bring in the garbage cans and bring out the recycle. This man stops to look at Norah's butterfly, looks at me and says, 'so, what do you have in there? 20 kids?' Thankfully, he meant in the house, but, still!!!! I smiled it off and told him that no I did not have twenty kids. I have four. I smiled some more as he started to walk away <glared daggers at his back as soon as he passed>.

I don't know when people started to feel so comfortable to comment on other people's personal matters - at least to their face!! I know that I had many comments while pregnant and working as well. People would tell me things that would make me cringe daily. Why do I have to smile it off and be polite. They are being rude! I would just love to tell them what I think of their weight or their spending habits or their personal matters! Seriously, people, it's baby weight. Get over it. It's not fun; however, it is expected after having a baby. At least, keep your comments to yourself!  I have enough on my plate as it is. I don't have the energy to devote to polite responses anymore <or the desire... I desire to punch people in the face when they are unreasonably rude>.

I LOVE that people look at me and just see the extra baby weight. They don't see what else is going on with me. I am trying to commit to the gym. I am trying to commit to eating regularly, as in changing this two big meals a day routine that I have for the better. I am trying to keep up with a newborn, two toddlers and a preschooler. I am trying to keep my house in order. I'm trying to keep up with restaurant tasks <yes, I went back to work about a month after having her. Yes, I'm enjoying it. Yes, I do have my priorities straight>. I'm trying... trying... and trying some more. Most of all, I'm trying to be healthy while doing all of that and dealing with everything else in life. The best that I can do, for myself and my family, is to try. Everything will work out fine for us.... maybe not so much for you, if you don't learn to keep your opinions on how I should look two months after having a baby to yourself.