*This is a bit raw and heavier than usual. Just letting you know ahead of time. It's me though.... life isn't always sunshine and roses. :)*
There are many times lately, when I wondering what is wrong with me! This year, I've learned so much about life. I've learned so much about human emotion, how brains work, and how processes must be followed.
Whenever there is a major change in life, there is always a period of transition. I said many times while pregnant that I just needed her out, so that I could get back to normal. ... back to life.... back to routine... back to everything that I know ... back to normal.
BUT.... what do you do when the normal that you knew doesn't exist anymore?
As one who coasts relatively easily through life, let me tell you.... you struggle. Well, at least, I do. I have been for the last little while. I realize that even though my day-to-day functions are able to be controlled by my own rigid requirements for myself, there are things in life that I can't control. It makes me laugh, because, while growing up, I was often told by teachers that I needed to learn to be more flexible in life... and now, after being graduated for years, I finally am really starting to understand what that meant. I need to bend a bit more to life, as opposed to wanting and needing it to stay the same. The problem is that bending to life IS painful, especially when dealing with all that this year how thrown at me.
This year has been a roller coaster to say the least. From the high moments of absolute joy down to the depths of absolute disbelief and sadness, I think my brain has had about as much as it can handle.... and then, I wake up and do it all again the next day. Adding this little blessing to our family has been wonderful. She is a true joy and pleasure to have in our family. At the same time, I look at her and I'm so sad that I can't share her with my sister. Caroline would have loved her.... and this crosses my mind. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It is devastating over again... every day.
I'm learning that in grief, even though it can be accepted, the process of grieving will still come. It is surprising. It leaves me feeling discouraged at having to go through the motions, as I am busy and just sitting to have a cry often doesn't fit into my schedule (and having two toddlers and an almost five year old worry that I'm ok doesn't help either!).
Grieving the loss of someone very close has shocked me. I knew that it would be devastating and hard. I also knew that I would survive and had to look forward. Life would continue and the sting would fade - albeit the missing would always be there... However, we are six months in and I am shocked to say that life as I know it is completely different. My whole identity feels different without Caroline here. Even though I have my own family established and she didn't live with me day in and day out, I feel as though I'm learning to live all over again. ... learning to live without her.... and it hurts!
The longer that time passes, the more that I realize how our brains work. We went to a grief seminar through our local funeral home, and I think that is the only reason why I don't think I've gone crazy. We were taught about how the brain will grieve over time, because it literally CANNOT handle the grief process all at once. WOW! Is that amazing or what?? It seems that the process just has to take place. There is no bucking it! It will be easier to go through it rather than fight it. I just find that it's hard to go through, as I'm sure anyone would with a close loss. I don't want to stop and be sad. I don't want be anxious. I just want to keep busy and always smile over the memories I have of her.... but that's not how the human brain works... it needs to be sad sometimes. It needs to have moments where it can mourn. I'm learning that, even though I'm one who needs control, I need to allow my brain to do its job...
I'm realizing more and more that I have an obsession with being busy. It stops my brain from feeling... from mourning.... from hurting... Slowing down is absolutely scary to me, so we will see how this goes... I guess I'm never too old to learn something new....
Through all of this, I'm learning how amazing my family and friends are. Just to be encouraged and told that 'it's still fresh' or that I need to give myself a break is huge. It is so true that I expect a lot out of myself.... so, now it's time that I need to try to relax these expectations and let myself feel it's way through this time in my life. I don't know how I'm going to do it.... but I know that I'll get there... One day at a time. Trust me, some days I think I need to count the minutes, but, at the end of it all, I just remember that, as painful as it is, it won't be so bad forever.
I've been working to establish life again. I need a new normal. My little family has grown to six. I still come from a family of seven. One is just up above smiling down. I don't quite know what this new normal will look like. I'm hopeful. It's getting there.. I find that a lot of my plans do honour Caroline. Her desire to see me succeed and be healthy lives on. I will carry that legacy to my kids. ... even if I hate the gym and eating clean, I will do my best. She wanted to be here to see them grow, so the least I can do it my best to ensure that I will be. ... six months, and still such an inspiration.
Like I said, I'm hopeful. There are always going to be ups and downs in life. I'm trying to avoid this down from becoming a rut. Trying to keep it limited to hard moments, rather than having it swallow me whole.... This will pass. As they say, there is a time for everything.
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