Today is a day that I have celebrated alongside Caroline for 25 years. Sure, it may not have always been a stellar day for me, but I'm quite sure that she usually had a blast. As today is her 26th birthday, it's been rather hard to celebrate. I celebrate the fact that she lived a beautiful life. She is still impacting people with her love for life, travel, and others. I miss her more than I could even write here.
I remember, when we were little, my love of event planning was fully exercised planning some of her birthday parties. Planning crafts and activities was always exciting, and keeping the day on schedule was definitely something that I enjoyed.... and still do, although there is a little bit of a damper on it at the moment, which seems to seep into many little times throughout the days.
Today was particularly difficult. Today, I was reminded (over and over again whenever I would think about it) that for the last two years, I have told Caroline that 'next year' I would go out and do something with her. With babies and a toddler and life as unpredictable as it can be, prioritizing the adult time of her birthday celebrations wasn't huge to me. It wasn't huge to her. We would always have time to do it next year. We would celebrate through the day with her - giving her gifts, taking her out for food (favourite pastime), and playing with the kids. .... BUT I missed out on some amazing girl time... just the 'big girls' as Norah would say.
I'll never get it back. I know that there is no way that we could have known what was coming. I still see her smiling and telling me not to worry. 'Take care of those kiddos. They need you more than me right now.' She was always making sure they stayed the priority, which they should be.
Regret is not a fun thing to live with. I am very thankful that I have very little in life to regret. I'm finding more and more that my regrets are linked to missed opportunities - mostly being discovered since Caroline's passing. I'm finding myself trying to learn to push aside the busy-ness of life and to embrace the moments that will leave me with memories. Yes, there are things that need to be done. They will get done.
There is a saying that goes something like 'everything in life can be stolen, but you can't take my memories.' It is so true. I know that the memories will remain. I know that the lessons will remain. I know that I will not regret this forever and that it's just been a long day. I know that last year on this day, we did not see this coming at all and there was no way that I'd be sitting here sad that I didn't have one last big hurrah for my sister's birthday.
I know she was over it (as if there was anything for her to get over, as she'd say). I know I will get there. It's just been a bah humbug type of birthday today. I guess I'd rather be sharing a glass of wine with her than with her grave.
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