Bye 2015

As I read through everyone's 'Happy New Year!' statuses, I can't help but to feel so far from how everyone else is feeling. I've been putting off writing this blog, hoping that I'd get some amazing inspiration and have some wonderful input and words of wisdom. Who knows, maybe there will be wise words scattered in here a bit. I know what will be written, though. It will be reality and living with loss. So, if you can handle whatever comes next, then feel free to keep reading.

To say that I'm entering 2016 cautiously is an understatement. Actually, I go from moments of utter fear to absolute excitement. How I'm entering 2016 is quite like a rollercoaster. Just as my 2015 has been.

About this time last year, I (along with my family) were preparing for some of the hardest moments of our lives. We didn't even know how soon things would change. We just knew that they would. This time last year, we had recently found out that my sister's cancer was back and nothing could be done for her. This time last year, we had recently found out that we were expecting our fourth child. I think anyone would classify those as extreme opposites..... a huge rollercoaster to say the least. It's been a year of struggling.... a year of things out of my control, which is hard, as I always need to feel like I can control things or at least be able to manage them. There have been joyous events and sadness.... it's just been a year....

The start of 2015 was a rat race of the worst kinds. Preparation, desperation, and grasping at hope were the biggest themes to the start of the year. I've learned this year that you cannot prepare for someone you love to die. It's just not going to be ok. It's quite the process. No matter how many times you 'know' that they are going to die, you still have so much hope that after each doctor's appointment you will finally get good news! Preparing for a death and trying desperately to get in as much time with a loved one beforehand is just impossible. There will never be enough time.

After Caroline's death in February, I started to learn that living without someone you love is a whole different life. To take out an integral part of your life makes a huge difference. It is very easy to say that, if you have not been through it, you have no idea about the process at all. I thought I could prepare for it, in more ways that funeral preparations, but that just isn't the case.

If you hang around, you've likely heard me say 'I can't wait for this year to be over!' or 'This year has sucked!'. The context of that can vary. Living after a loss is hard. Even the best and most exciting moments have down times - times of remembering.... times of wishing you could share it with someone not here.... times of just wanting not to be dealing with any of these things.

The birth of Evelyn in June is definitely the highlight of the year for me. She is so generous with her smiles and love, and her easy-going and happy personality shine through 99.9% of the time. EVERY DAY, I look at her and wish that Caroline had met her. Caroline named her, which is an awesome gift, but it's not the same. Evelyn is awesome, and it makes me miss Caroline more.

There have been many happy moments in life this year - my oldest sister's wedding, starting home-schooling with Norah, and going to Alberta with one of my sisters, Norah, and Evelyn, to name a few of them. All have been enjoyed while really missing her. I know that it will get easier. It's just not at that point yet.

This year has been full of losses. Vibrant people.... old and young..... people who seemed as though they'd live forever... people who fought hard and lost.... people whose death stunned everyone. Most of this year has felt like we'd be wondering who would go next.....

After Caroline's death and even more after Evelyn's birth, I had to stop paying attention to the deaths. There were just so many that the doom and gloom wouldn't leave.

Finally, when school season started with Norah and life was in a good groove, it seemed like we had made it! We went on our trip to Alberta. The last week in October, the boys went through their dental surgery and were even able to enjoy some candy at Halloween. Life is good!

Then, November hit. Wowza. I don't even know how else to say it. At this moment, while typing, it's still surreal to think that Gran died. An amazing woman.... who popped in to visit a few times a week... who loved visiting with me and her great grandchildren... who loved being involved in the homeschooling process and seeing how Norah was doing with learning.... someone who we did not expect to go.

On the heels of that blow, I found out that surgery was in the cards for myself and that surgery is not my thing. ;) Stress makes things worse and that was a hurdle in itself. Good-bye baby years. <Gulp!> Changes are not my thing. That was a change that I'm fine with.... and, at the same time, it's still a change!

I don't know what 2016 has in store for me or my family. I have 8 positive goals, dare I say resolutions, that I want to use to help me try to move positively forward in this year. I am cautiously waving goodbye to the feelings of doom and gloom, but still moving forward in a season of much grieving and missing of loved ones. It's transitions that I didn't want to make and still don't want to deal with, yet I don't have a choice. (This makes me laugh... as a child, I was always told that I needed to be able to be flexible and adjust to changes... and I still struggle with this as an adult. I like things to be controlled and not change!)

So, 2015, goodbye!!  I've hurt more, cried more, stressed more, and struggled more this year than I think all of my years combined. .... but I do thank you for the lessons learned along the way... even if I'm still kicking and screaming my way through them. ;)