I woke up this morning and could see that it was snowing outside. I hate snow. My hatred for snow still didn't mask the internal upset I felt at one thing. It's been a year.
One year ago today, Caroline passed away.
At first, it was easier to let her go. I say that because her last hours with us were excruciating. She was in so much obvious pain and discomfort that it was torturous to see. They had guaranteed us that she still had a long ways to go. This was not how the disease worked. She would be suffering for a lot longer. We actually questioned the doctors, "How can it get worse than this!?" They once again confirmed that this was just a bad day. She had a lot more coming her way.
For the first time since her diagnosis, she was unable to shelter us from the nastiness of her fate. She was always so strong in hiding the pain and doing her best to not let us see her suffering. She wanted us to remember the good times, always, and she wanted us to only have good memories of her.
This morning last year was brutal. We don't talk about it much. I remember calling Amy after talking to the doctors and telling her to make sure she was going to be on her way, because, even though they said longer, we just felt that it couldn't be true.
After having an intense and non-stop nosebleed for over 24 hours, the Hospice staff went in to help her clean-up in the morning. Through what had to be misery, she was smiling and trying to make light of what 'could be worse.' People were walking by her room and talking about how there was a party going on in their room. The laughter could be heard in the hallway.... because that was Caroline. She always cared about others first. She was pro at putting the pain aside to help out those around her.
My sister Steph, however, had seen the change through the night before. She saw the inability to hide the pain anymore. Even with meds, it was clear that Caroline was suffering. In her moments of utter tiredness and frustration at the bleeding nose, she was unable to hide behind her smiles, even though she wanted. Steph was scared and she knew. She knew that it had to be close. Caroline had wished for few things with regards to her death. We knew that one of her biggest fears was losing her mental state. Her next biggest was for us to see her suffering long and remembering her like that. We are so thankful that she was able to keep her positive mental state until the end.
After the staff got her back to her bed, they set up to try to get her comfortable and able to rest. They upped her meds, and she finally seemed more comfortable, yet still so irritated. It is so incredibly hard to see a loved one be agitated without relief, even while almost in a medicated sleep. We decided to let her rest.
The last thing that I know she heard me say to her was 'You can rest now, but only if you dream about being back in Europe.' With that, she gave me the last smile that I would receive from her. It was big and with her eyes closed, but it was meant for me.
Seven years previous, we would have just been preparing for our own travels to Europe - Germany, to be more exact. I have never seen someone more alive than Caroline when she travelled. The whole trip while gone, her eyes were wide as a baby learning all about life. The excitement and joy would shine through. It gave her so much more life just to be able to travel. The day before she passed, one of her friends came and looked at the pictures of her most recent trip to Europe. It had given her so much joy to relive that trip, but it exhausted her. Her body was giving up.
Caroline's last day is one of importance, because it helps to remind me that I didn't want to keep her here in so much pain - that it would be better to let her go and be at peace than to selfishly keep her here. However, I must say that there are times when I don't care. I just want to be able to have a chat with her. I just want to give her a hug. I just want to see her walk into my house again and have the kids tackle her with hugs. I want to see Magglio wag his tail almost off of his body because he is so excited to see her at the door. I just want to see her live. I still feel like she was robbed of her hopes and dreams. It's the selfishness of me being left behind. It is hard to always think about her having a better time in Heaven.
There are many unpleasant memories from that last day. Many that I will never share. Some that I shared with my own mom only recently. It was horrible. The staff at Hospice did an amazing job in sheltering us from the work and trying to provide us with as much quality time as we could with her.
So, as this one year mark will come and go, please take time today to remember Caroline and how amazing she was. Remember that she lived and she would want us to do the same. Thank God for sparing her of what was still to come.
Tuesday, 9 February 2016
Thursday, 21 January 2016
Resolution 2: Deal with the Nitty Gritties In Married Life
Marriage.
Enough said. Such a small word, which contains so much! It can bring abundant joy, misery, or fear (to say the least) to anyone who hears the word.
My second resolution this year is to work on my (our) marriage. I want and need to have a happy marriage. We need to figure out what will make this work and get to that point.
When I think of marriage, I think of work. Lately, our marriage has needed work. We (I say 'we' because when married it's not 'I' but 'we'!) are coming out of an extremely stressful 'season.' I'm glad that I have a patient husband. I also wish that I had a husband with a bit less sarcasm in stressful times!
Changes are hard on most people, but I find them extremely challenging. Ever since I was a little kid, I remember my teachers in school telling me that I needed to learn how to adapt when things change. Um, no. I'm an Aries. I'm strong-willed and I really enjoy things as they are ... to the point of I literally need to stop and let my brain adjust if anything changes too quickly. Through the last year, I've had to stop for more than just a moment to adjust to changes. Too many changes. Too many life-changing changes. Things have been stressful to say the least.
We are making headway though! At times in the last year, I've honestly wondered if marriage is worth the work. Is it worth the sacrifice? Is it really worth it? In this last year, we have seen family members pass away, welcomed a baby, started homeschooling with Norah, said good-bye to child-bearing years, and I went for surgery at the beginning of the holiday season. All of these things were huge sources of stress and adjustment.... my specialty. There are many times when I was just done: exhausted, spent, tired, emotional and DONE.
Marriage is hard work! It takes compromise, commitment, and meeting on so many levels. It takes everything that a long tedious job would require. When the work is put into it, the benefits come as well. Sometimes, it takes more work to reap the reward, but the reward will come!
We have committed to try and reconnect with our friends who are also married. We are all in the same boat, and the company of other committed couples is so refreshing! To be real and honest with another couple who 'get it' is priceless. It is a sanity saver and marriage saver to know that other people also do not always think marriage is a breeze.
As we enter a season of calm, with potentially huge changes coming, I'm trying my hardest to say good-bye to the stress of last year and embrace what is to come (while taking enough time for my brain to adjust, of course). We are trying to keep the peace and live and enjoy the moments and time we have together. If nothing else, last year has taught us that time with each other and with family is well spent!
We have some great things going for us, and we have great support along on this ride with us. It's an adventure ... and it's so worth it.
Enough said. Such a small word, which contains so much! It can bring abundant joy, misery, or fear (to say the least) to anyone who hears the word.
My second resolution this year is to work on my (our) marriage. I want and need to have a happy marriage. We need to figure out what will make this work and get to that point.
When I think of marriage, I think of work. Lately, our marriage has needed work. We (I say 'we' because when married it's not 'I' but 'we'!) are coming out of an extremely stressful 'season.' I'm glad that I have a patient husband. I also wish that I had a husband with a bit less sarcasm in stressful times!
Changes are hard on most people, but I find them extremely challenging. Ever since I was a little kid, I remember my teachers in school telling me that I needed to learn how to adapt when things change. Um, no. I'm an Aries. I'm strong-willed and I really enjoy things as they are ... to the point of I literally need to stop and let my brain adjust if anything changes too quickly. Through the last year, I've had to stop for more than just a moment to adjust to changes. Too many changes. Too many life-changing changes. Things have been stressful to say the least.
We are making headway though! At times in the last year, I've honestly wondered if marriage is worth the work. Is it worth the sacrifice? Is it really worth it? In this last year, we have seen family members pass away, welcomed a baby, started homeschooling with Norah, said good-bye to child-bearing years, and I went for surgery at the beginning of the holiday season. All of these things were huge sources of stress and adjustment.... my specialty. There are many times when I was just done: exhausted, spent, tired, emotional and DONE.
Marriage is hard work! It takes compromise, commitment, and meeting on so many levels. It takes everything that a long tedious job would require. When the work is put into it, the benefits come as well. Sometimes, it takes more work to reap the reward, but the reward will come!
We have committed to try and reconnect with our friends who are also married. We are all in the same boat, and the company of other committed couples is so refreshing! To be real and honest with another couple who 'get it' is priceless. It is a sanity saver and marriage saver to know that other people also do not always think marriage is a breeze.
As we enter a season of calm, with potentially huge changes coming, I'm trying my hardest to say good-bye to the stress of last year and embrace what is to come (while taking enough time for my brain to adjust, of course). We are trying to keep the peace and live and enjoy the moments and time we have together. If nothing else, last year has taught us that time with each other and with family is well spent!
We have some great things going for us, and we have great support along on this ride with us. It's an adventure ... and it's so worth it.
Wednesday, 13 January 2016
Be Selfish: Letting It Be
Ahhh. We are a couple of weeks into the New Year. I'm proud of myself. (Hehehe, it's really weird to say that, and it's even more weird to read that!) The first New Year's Resolution that I had this year was to be selfish. I do think that this will help me to tackle the other ones on my list.
Now, back to why I feel proud of myself. :)
Tonight, I CONSCIOUSLY made the decision NOT to start laundry! It was after 9 pm, and, if you remember correctly, mom is no longer housekeeper after 9 pm. The kicker, and why I'm so proud of myself, is because I am not bothered by this decision. Also, I'm enjoying the silence of my house and just relaxing! This is HUGE for me!
It's kind of incredible about how much more I can get done during the day if I take more time to relax myself. I'm feeling a lot less stressed. A LOT LESS. Life is still crazy, which is awesome. Crazy and relaxed. <Relaxed exhale.> It's more of 'how it should be' lately. It's a great feeling.
Taking these quiet 'off the clock' times in the evening is letting me to savour the quiet times with the kids, especially Evelyn. It's letting my brain remember the people who I never want to forget. It's allowing my heart to heal. It's allowing me to work through the lingering pains of last year and cope better. It's allowing me to shower!! OFTEN!!!
If anyone would have told me that I could drop everything and do nothing for a few hours each evening, I would have thought them to be crazy. I'm a workaholic in every part of life! This is so far from 'me'..... but I like it!
I find it motivating. My home hours are more relaxed, yet they seem to be productive!
If you're like me, try this yourself. It's amazing how much just allowing it be at the end of the day makes a difference. Let the laundry be. Let the dishes me. Let all the chores be. ... and lastly, just be... be yourself. Enjoy your family. Read a book. Pray. Find what makes you tick and be.
<3 Loving it, while missing you with every ounce of me. :)
* I will eventually hit on my next resolutions. Just trying to master them one at a time. :) .... and yes, they are largely formed by grieving and committing to making life changes to live a full and happy life. :)
Now, back to why I feel proud of myself. :)
Tonight, I CONSCIOUSLY made the decision NOT to start laundry! It was after 9 pm, and, if you remember correctly, mom is no longer housekeeper after 9 pm. The kicker, and why I'm so proud of myself, is because I am not bothered by this decision. Also, I'm enjoying the silence of my house and just relaxing! This is HUGE for me!
It's kind of incredible about how much more I can get done during the day if I take more time to relax myself. I'm feeling a lot less stressed. A LOT LESS. Life is still crazy, which is awesome. Crazy and relaxed. <Relaxed exhale.> It's more of 'how it should be' lately. It's a great feeling.
Taking these quiet 'off the clock' times in the evening is letting me to savour the quiet times with the kids, especially Evelyn. It's letting my brain remember the people who I never want to forget. It's allowing my heart to heal. It's allowing me to work through the lingering pains of last year and cope better. It's allowing me to shower!! OFTEN!!!
If anyone would have told me that I could drop everything and do nothing for a few hours each evening, I would have thought them to be crazy. I'm a workaholic in every part of life! This is so far from 'me'..... but I like it!
I find it motivating. My home hours are more relaxed, yet they seem to be productive!
If you're like me, try this yourself. It's amazing how much just allowing it be at the end of the day makes a difference. Let the laundry be. Let the dishes me. Let all the chores be. ... and lastly, just be... be yourself. Enjoy your family. Read a book. Pray. Find what makes you tick and be.
<3 Loving it, while missing you with every ounce of me. :)
* I will eventually hit on my next resolutions. Just trying to master them one at a time. :) .... and yes, they are largely formed by grieving and committing to making life changes to live a full and happy life. :)
Wednesday, 6 January 2016
Resolution 1 of 8: Be Selfish
This likely sounds like a crazy resolution to make. It's something that raises a lot of eyebrows. However, it's likely not at all what you think.
I'm a chronic people pleaser, of sorts. I put the needs of others before my own. Almost all of the time. It comes with the mom territory. It comes with the wife territory. It comes with the restaurant territory.
It's a resolution that I had been thinking about for a while, but was actually scared to voice. Committing to it is actually scary. It's unknown territory. It's uncomfortable territory. It's territory that needs to be reclaimed.
Almost a week into 2016, and I actually feel like maybe, just maybe, I can make ME a priority. This is exciting. I don't know me anymore!
"Hey, Sharon!! It's been years!! What do you want to do? What do you enjoy doing? Sit down for a minute and do nothing!!"
The last few months have not been my best. I am a busy woman. I love being busy. I thrive while being busy.... however, I've been learning that I do not know how to slow down. It's either full tilt or I feel like I'm going to go crazy. ... I know that this has a lot to do with outside stresses, but bear with me. ;)
About a week after surgery (SHHHHH! When I FINALLY allowed myself to do nothing but concentrate on healing!! :S ), I woke up from a nap and had no motivation. None. Gone. No desire to even move. My mind immediately went to everything that needed to be done around the house. I fell asleep. ... it was a glorious and freeing moment.... followed by that awful mommy guilt. Laundry needed to be folded. Kids needed to be cuddled. Meals needed to be planned. The list can go on and on.
I started to worry about how I had 'let myself go' to even get to the point where I didn't get up and immediately tend to what everyone else might need and what needed to be done. After all, I wasn't dying, so why shouldn't I just pull it together!?!?!
It took many people telling me that I have every right to just do nothing and heal. Better yet, I started to realize that I didn't even know how to prioritize myself, even my health, enough to help myself. I'm in a sad state of self neglect for the betterment of everyone and anyone around me.
I commit to things that spread me thin. I want to have a 'company-ready' house all the time... which is nearly impossible with 6 people and a dog living in small quarters - but I try. I might actually be tasking myself to death. .... to forget and not deal with things that are reality sometimes, I'm sure.
2015 was full of so many changes, some joyous and some devastating. I'm not going to say that I came out unscathed, because I didn't. I'm still nursing some of the wounds that came with last year, and I likely will be for some time. That said, now more than ever, I need to learn to cut myself some slack. I need to be selfish.
When I say that I need to be selfish, it's mostly about making sure that I am taking care of myself, too. As a mom, wife, and business owner (my sister is my partner, thankfully, or I'd be in WAY over my head), I need to keep in mind that if I don't take care of myself, no one else likely will. The best thing that I can do for everyone who relies on me is to be healthy and happy. However, that doesn't come easy for someone whose happiness comes most easily by making others happy.
(Hahahaha, even as I'm writing this, I can feel the inner struggle and see how much 'being selfish' will be a challenge!! :D that's ok. I will get there!)
Some of the goals that I have personally made to 'Be Selfish' are:
- Turn off after 9 pm. Chores after that can wait until the morning!! (Exemptions are childcare and if a load needs to be put into the dryer... other than that, it's about enjoyment! .. and I love this so far!)
- Write more!
- Read more!
- Have NO KIDS in the bathroom with me!!
- Start to travel again
- Get more connected at church!
- Say 'NO' when I know it will be pushing me to my limit.
- Stay in bed longer when I can or take naps!
- Take more showers! (don't laugh... as a mom with little kids, this can be a challenge!)
- Make a schedule at work that will consistently not be too much.
- Connect with friends! (ummmmm, do I even have any left!?!?! :S hahaha, seriously though....)
- Go to concerts!
It's a start! I'm finding that retraining my thoughts to self care is very hard! I'm so used to taking care of all other needs first! I will keep plugging away though!!
What are your resolutions? Are you being realistic? I hope that if you find you can relate to me and need to rediscover how to meet your own needs, you allow yourself to do just that. If you're already helping and prioritizing others, imagine how much more you can offer if you are in better health to start. ;)
Love you all. Hope this helps anyone. :)
I'm a chronic people pleaser, of sorts. I put the needs of others before my own. Almost all of the time. It comes with the mom territory. It comes with the wife territory. It comes with the restaurant territory.
It's a resolution that I had been thinking about for a while, but was actually scared to voice. Committing to it is actually scary. It's unknown territory. It's uncomfortable territory. It's territory that needs to be reclaimed.
Almost a week into 2016, and I actually feel like maybe, just maybe, I can make ME a priority. This is exciting. I don't know me anymore!
"Hey, Sharon!! It's been years!! What do you want to do? What do you enjoy doing? Sit down for a minute and do nothing!!"
The last few months have not been my best. I am a busy woman. I love being busy. I thrive while being busy.... however, I've been learning that I do not know how to slow down. It's either full tilt or I feel like I'm going to go crazy. ... I know that this has a lot to do with outside stresses, but bear with me. ;)
About a week after surgery (SHHHHH! When I FINALLY allowed myself to do nothing but concentrate on healing!! :S ), I woke up from a nap and had no motivation. None. Gone. No desire to even move. My mind immediately went to everything that needed to be done around the house. I fell asleep. ... it was a glorious and freeing moment.... followed by that awful mommy guilt. Laundry needed to be folded. Kids needed to be cuddled. Meals needed to be planned. The list can go on and on.
I started to worry about how I had 'let myself go' to even get to the point where I didn't get up and immediately tend to what everyone else might need and what needed to be done. After all, I wasn't dying, so why shouldn't I just pull it together!?!?!
It took many people telling me that I have every right to just do nothing and heal. Better yet, I started to realize that I didn't even know how to prioritize myself, even my health, enough to help myself. I'm in a sad state of self neglect for the betterment of everyone and anyone around me.
I commit to things that spread me thin. I want to have a 'company-ready' house all the time... which is nearly impossible with 6 people and a dog living in small quarters - but I try. I might actually be tasking myself to death. .... to forget and not deal with things that are reality sometimes, I'm sure.
2015 was full of so many changes, some joyous and some devastating. I'm not going to say that I came out unscathed, because I didn't. I'm still nursing some of the wounds that came with last year, and I likely will be for some time. That said, now more than ever, I need to learn to cut myself some slack. I need to be selfish.
When I say that I need to be selfish, it's mostly about making sure that I am taking care of myself, too. As a mom, wife, and business owner (my sister is my partner, thankfully, or I'd be in WAY over my head), I need to keep in mind that if I don't take care of myself, no one else likely will. The best thing that I can do for everyone who relies on me is to be healthy and happy. However, that doesn't come easy for someone whose happiness comes most easily by making others happy.
(Hahahaha, even as I'm writing this, I can feel the inner struggle and see how much 'being selfish' will be a challenge!! :D that's ok. I will get there!)
Some of the goals that I have personally made to 'Be Selfish' are:
- Turn off after 9 pm. Chores after that can wait until the morning!! (Exemptions are childcare and if a load needs to be put into the dryer... other than that, it's about enjoyment! .. and I love this so far!)
- Write more!
- Read more!
- Have NO KIDS in the bathroom with me!!
- Start to travel again
- Get more connected at church!
- Say 'NO' when I know it will be pushing me to my limit.
- Stay in bed longer when I can or take naps!
- Take more showers! (don't laugh... as a mom with little kids, this can be a challenge!)
- Make a schedule at work that will consistently not be too much.
- Connect with friends! (ummmmm, do I even have any left!?!?! :S hahaha, seriously though....)
- Go to concerts!
It's a start! I'm finding that retraining my thoughts to self care is very hard! I'm so used to taking care of all other needs first! I will keep plugging away though!!
What are your resolutions? Are you being realistic? I hope that if you find you can relate to me and need to rediscover how to meet your own needs, you allow yourself to do just that. If you're already helping and prioritizing others, imagine how much more you can offer if you are in better health to start. ;)
Love you all. Hope this helps anyone. :)
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