As I read through everyone's 'Happy New Year!' statuses, I can't help but to feel so far from how everyone else is feeling. I've been putting off writing this blog, hoping that I'd get some amazing inspiration and have some wonderful input and words of wisdom. Who knows, maybe there will be wise words scattered in here a bit. I know what will be written, though. It will be reality and living with loss. So, if you can handle whatever comes next, then feel free to keep reading.
To say that I'm entering 2016 cautiously is an understatement. Actually, I go from moments of utter fear to absolute excitement. How I'm entering 2016 is quite like a rollercoaster. Just as my 2015 has been.
About this time last year, I (along with my family) were preparing for some of the hardest moments of our lives. We didn't even know how soon things would change. We just knew that they would. This time last year, we had recently found out that my sister's cancer was back and nothing could be done for her. This time last year, we had recently found out that we were expecting our fourth child. I think anyone would classify those as extreme opposites..... a huge rollercoaster to say the least. It's been a year of struggling.... a year of things out of my control, which is hard, as I always need to feel like I can control things or at least be able to manage them. There have been joyous events and sadness.... it's just been a year....
The start of 2015 was a rat race of the worst kinds. Preparation, desperation, and grasping at hope were the biggest themes to the start of the year. I've learned this year that you cannot prepare for someone you love to die. It's just not going to be ok. It's quite the process. No matter how many times you 'know' that they are going to die, you still have so much hope that after each doctor's appointment you will finally get good news! Preparing for a death and trying desperately to get in as much time with a loved one beforehand is just impossible. There will never be enough time.
After Caroline's death in February, I started to learn that living without someone you love is a whole different life. To take out an integral part of your life makes a huge difference. It is very easy to say that, if you have not been through it, you have no idea about the process at all. I thought I could prepare for it, in more ways that funeral preparations, but that just isn't the case.
If you hang around, you've likely heard me say 'I can't wait for this year to be over!' or 'This year has sucked!'. The context of that can vary. Living after a loss is hard. Even the best and most exciting moments have down times - times of remembering.... times of wishing you could share it with someone not here.... times of just wanting not to be dealing with any of these things.
The birth of Evelyn in June is definitely the highlight of the year for me. She is so generous with her smiles and love, and her easy-going and happy personality shine through 99.9% of the time. EVERY DAY, I look at her and wish that Caroline had met her. Caroline named her, which is an awesome gift, but it's not the same. Evelyn is awesome, and it makes me miss Caroline more.
There have been many happy moments in life this year - my oldest sister's wedding, starting home-schooling with Norah, and going to Alberta with one of my sisters, Norah, and Evelyn, to name a few of them. All have been enjoyed while really missing her. I know that it will get easier. It's just not at that point yet.
This year has been full of losses. Vibrant people.... old and young..... people who seemed as though they'd live forever... people who fought hard and lost.... people whose death stunned everyone. Most of this year has felt like we'd be wondering who would go next.....
After Caroline's death and even more after Evelyn's birth, I had to stop paying attention to the deaths. There were just so many that the doom and gloom wouldn't leave.
Finally, when school season started with Norah and life was in a good groove, it seemed like we had made it! We went on our trip to Alberta. The last week in October, the boys went through their dental surgery and were even able to enjoy some candy at Halloween. Life is good!
Then, November hit. Wowza. I don't even know how else to say it. At this moment, while typing, it's still surreal to think that Gran died. An amazing woman.... who popped in to visit a few times a week... who loved visiting with me and her great grandchildren... who loved being involved in the homeschooling process and seeing how Norah was doing with learning.... someone who we did not expect to go.
On the heels of that blow, I found out that surgery was in the cards for myself and that surgery is not my thing. ;) Stress makes things worse and that was a hurdle in itself. Good-bye baby years. <Gulp!> Changes are not my thing. That was a change that I'm fine with.... and, at the same time, it's still a change!
I don't know what 2016 has in store for me or my family. I have 8 positive goals, dare I say resolutions, that I want to use to help me try to move positively forward in this year. I am cautiously waving goodbye to the feelings of doom and gloom, but still moving forward in a season of much grieving and missing of loved ones. It's transitions that I didn't want to make and still don't want to deal with, yet I don't have a choice. (This makes me laugh... as a child, I was always told that I needed to be able to be flexible and adjust to changes... and I still struggle with this as an adult. I like things to be controlled and not change!)
So, 2015, goodbye!! I've hurt more, cried more, stressed more, and struggled more this year than I think all of my years combined. .... but I do thank you for the lessons learned along the way... even if I'm still kicking and screaming my way through them. ;)
Thursday, 31 December 2015
Friday, 25 September 2015
Where has the year gone?? {Happy, Sad, Grief, Life}
*this turned out a bit different than I anticipated. I promise that I will eventually return to fun blogs. My heart and head just aren't there yet... in the meantime, read about where I am at!*
It's almost October, yet it feels like this year hasn't even started yet. To say that this year has been full is an understatement. This year has been more full, confusing, sad, happy, bleh, and exciting than any year I've lived so far. I'm not going to say that I haven't 'lived' this year. I'm not going to say that I have, either. It's just been a year. One that I will eagerly put to rest, and one that I will sadly put to rest. Hmmmm. How can I sum this up?
This year has been riddled with devastation. The loss of Caroline affects me (and my family members) daily. There is not a day, and rarely a couple hours, that goes by without me thinking of her. Even Norah mentions her often. Although we had 'expected' it, her death is something that we would never be prepared for. It is something that I accept, but I don't want to accept at the same time, because it absolutely sucks to live. Life without Caroline is different. It has left a hole, and it hurts. I'm actually surprised at how hard it is to just accept that she is gone. I know she is gone. I know it. It just really sucks. In trying to sum up life without her, I am left feeling devastated, as I don't even know how else to describe it. So many parts of my every day life remind me of her and it makes me miss her more. It is devastating even to think back lovingly of her and how awesome she was. Always giving of herself and her time and anything that she could give. I miss her random pop ins and our nights watching Jersey Shore or Snooki & JWoww (as we didn't even finish it, as she was not feeling up to it, and I just didn't bother without her). I miss her unsolicited, but always gracious, fashion tips. I miss her smiling, even when she disapproved of something I did or said, although you could always tell what she was thinking. Sometimes, especially in the middle of the night, I wake up in a panic, because I can't remember what she sounds like. Then, sure enough, I can hear her laughing, as she smiles and says she is fine..... She's fine. It's us who are dealing with it. .... and it sucks.
This year has been full of illness and death. To be honest, it's kind of morbid, but I've told several people that if they survive this year, then they're probably going to last another 10, because, man, this year is a whopper! I stopped counting the number of people that I knew who died after March. When we hit 15 by the beginning of March, I just couldn't do it anymore. I don't look at obituaries, which is, oddly enough, a favourite pastime. I love reading about people and where they have been and what they were like. This year, it's been too many familiar faces. Too many people who wanted to live, who lost their battles, who I didn't expect to see go. I've stopped going to the funeral home to say good-byes for now. I feel like I really don't have anything left to give in that department. I guess it could sound selfish, but it feels like, as time passes, it's almost getting harder to see all of these faces for one last time. It's probably not the number, but, rather, the strength of will to live that has passed away with these people. So many that I really would have thought would live forever. I guess you could call it a slap in the face of mortality. A conversation with some customers at the restaurant summed it up easily. "It is not hard to say good-bye to someone who dies. It is very hard to say good-bye to someone who is fighting to live."
The year has been mostly under a cloud. It's interesting what the brain does to protect itself. Earlier in the year, we went through a course about the grieving process. It taught about grief and how it is a normal experience. No one should be afraid to grieve. People need the time and space to grieve. It is a natural process, and it will happen whether you want it to or not. We went through this course, and, about half way through, a big cloud lifted. I didn't even know that this cloud existed. It was like a big weight lifted off of my shoulders and I could breathe easier. It was so cool. A few months later, it happened again. It's just the stages. I see them happen. I feel them happen. I don't always know where I'm at in the process, but it will catch up to me so I have to let it be.
It has been a year full of learning - especially about myself. I've learned that I have an addiction to being busy. Seriously, I'm not even going to get into details with this... hahahaha, too busy for my own good. I should attach a picture of my calendar... :S ... on second thought, no way. .... If someone asks me for help, then I will do my best to accommodate. I've learned how I react in extreme stress (and that is to regain control of what I can to reassure myself that what I CAN do is being done). I've learned that I need to take better care of myself, which is hard to do with a young family and I STILL need to make a priority. I've learned that I need to use the supports that are available to me. I've learned never to apply for a mortgage in the summertime. I've learned never to give a marker to a two year old and forget about it. :) I've learned that family means a lot more to me than I ever could have dreamed. I've learned to be more thankful for my family and to prioritize them, as who knows when their last day will be.
This year, despite all the downs, has been a year full of joy. We welcomed our fourth child, Evelyn Lilly, to our family. I had an amazing delivery and recovery, although my work-aholic self needs to learn to take a break at times. She is just the best baby. When they say God will give you what you can handle, I feel that is the case with Evelyn. She grounds me. She is so calm and gentle, even as an infant. When I feel overwhelmed, her peacefulness helps me to relax. She reminds me of her aunt Caroline, although she looks like her aunt Jackie to me. :) (which reminds me, how many kids is TOO many again??? I'd have a bunch more if I had a way to drive them around and a bigger house!)
I have been speaking to my sisters more often, which always brings joy. I miss them, but our lines of communication seem to flow easier. We all need each other, and we all know we are there for each other. It is great just knowing that they are on the other end sometimes (sisters by blood and not :D )... Norah has started homeschooling, and I love it. The one-on-one time with her has really helped the two of us. We are developing a better balance and she is excelling, even more than I thought she would. The boys are growing by leaps and bounds. Although they look like little men, they are still snuggle-bugs. They are almost three already and definitely test boundaries. Most days it's fine. Other days, I do wonder why God would ever give people more than one baby at a time.... and then when they both snuggle up, I remember. :) One thing that brings us great joy is the launching of 'Caroline's Christmas Gift' to help out a local woman. I'm sure that I'll blog more about this. We are very excited!! It will help us to get through the Christmas season a bit easier.. :)
Life, overall, is good. :) I mean, what would life be without a few bumps in the road?? (ok. Caroline dying is NOT a bump in the road. That was a sinkhole. I'd happily do anything to have her back. Realistically, I know that isn't going to happen, but I'd take even one more minute.)
So, I guess this turned into an update blog. Just a lot going on. That said, I am trying to recommit to blogging. I find it really hard to pick out the fun times to blog about like I used to. I'm trying though!! I find that when I sit down to write, all I want to write about it Caroline. I know that it is a season. I know that I won't forget her. I just want to spend time thinking about her and remembering her... and sometimes, when I sit to write, that is the time that I have to spend remembering her. So, I guess I'm apologizing if you don't want to read about her. I will eventually *hopefully* transition back to the funny, real-life play-by-play of life with my Littles. In the meantime, please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers. Some days can definitely be a struggle. Some days are easier.... All days are still full of missing her.
It's almost October, yet it feels like this year hasn't even started yet. To say that this year has been full is an understatement. This year has been more full, confusing, sad, happy, bleh, and exciting than any year I've lived so far. I'm not going to say that I haven't 'lived' this year. I'm not going to say that I have, either. It's just been a year. One that I will eagerly put to rest, and one that I will sadly put to rest. Hmmmm. How can I sum this up?
This year has been riddled with devastation. The loss of Caroline affects me (and my family members) daily. There is not a day, and rarely a couple hours, that goes by without me thinking of her. Even Norah mentions her often. Although we had 'expected' it, her death is something that we would never be prepared for. It is something that I accept, but I don't want to accept at the same time, because it absolutely sucks to live. Life without Caroline is different. It has left a hole, and it hurts. I'm actually surprised at how hard it is to just accept that she is gone. I know she is gone. I know it. It just really sucks. In trying to sum up life without her, I am left feeling devastated, as I don't even know how else to describe it. So many parts of my every day life remind me of her and it makes me miss her more. It is devastating even to think back lovingly of her and how awesome she was. Always giving of herself and her time and anything that she could give. I miss her random pop ins and our nights watching Jersey Shore or Snooki & JWoww (as we didn't even finish it, as she was not feeling up to it, and I just didn't bother without her). I miss her unsolicited, but always gracious, fashion tips. I miss her smiling, even when she disapproved of something I did or said, although you could always tell what she was thinking. Sometimes, especially in the middle of the night, I wake up in a panic, because I can't remember what she sounds like. Then, sure enough, I can hear her laughing, as she smiles and says she is fine..... She's fine. It's us who are dealing with it. .... and it sucks.
This year has been full of illness and death. To be honest, it's kind of morbid, but I've told several people that if they survive this year, then they're probably going to last another 10, because, man, this year is a whopper! I stopped counting the number of people that I knew who died after March. When we hit 15 by the beginning of March, I just couldn't do it anymore. I don't look at obituaries, which is, oddly enough, a favourite pastime. I love reading about people and where they have been and what they were like. This year, it's been too many familiar faces. Too many people who wanted to live, who lost their battles, who I didn't expect to see go. I've stopped going to the funeral home to say good-byes for now. I feel like I really don't have anything left to give in that department. I guess it could sound selfish, but it feels like, as time passes, it's almost getting harder to see all of these faces for one last time. It's probably not the number, but, rather, the strength of will to live that has passed away with these people. So many that I really would have thought would live forever. I guess you could call it a slap in the face of mortality. A conversation with some customers at the restaurant summed it up easily. "It is not hard to say good-bye to someone who dies. It is very hard to say good-bye to someone who is fighting to live."
The year has been mostly under a cloud. It's interesting what the brain does to protect itself. Earlier in the year, we went through a course about the grieving process. It taught about grief and how it is a normal experience. No one should be afraid to grieve. People need the time and space to grieve. It is a natural process, and it will happen whether you want it to or not. We went through this course, and, about half way through, a big cloud lifted. I didn't even know that this cloud existed. It was like a big weight lifted off of my shoulders and I could breathe easier. It was so cool. A few months later, it happened again. It's just the stages. I see them happen. I feel them happen. I don't always know where I'm at in the process, but it will catch up to me so I have to let it be.
It has been a year full of learning - especially about myself. I've learned that I have an addiction to being busy. Seriously, I'm not even going to get into details with this... hahahaha, too busy for my own good. I should attach a picture of my calendar... :S ... on second thought, no way. .... If someone asks me for help, then I will do my best to accommodate. I've learned how I react in extreme stress (and that is to regain control of what I can to reassure myself that what I CAN do is being done). I've learned that I need to take better care of myself, which is hard to do with a young family and I STILL need to make a priority. I've learned that I need to use the supports that are available to me. I've learned never to apply for a mortgage in the summertime. I've learned never to give a marker to a two year old and forget about it. :) I've learned that family means a lot more to me than I ever could have dreamed. I've learned to be more thankful for my family and to prioritize them, as who knows when their last day will be.
This year, despite all the downs, has been a year full of joy. We welcomed our fourth child, Evelyn Lilly, to our family. I had an amazing delivery and recovery, although my work-aholic self needs to learn to take a break at times. She is just the best baby. When they say God will give you what you can handle, I feel that is the case with Evelyn. She grounds me. She is so calm and gentle, even as an infant. When I feel overwhelmed, her peacefulness helps me to relax. She reminds me of her aunt Caroline, although she looks like her aunt Jackie to me. :) (which reminds me, how many kids is TOO many again??? I'd have a bunch more if I had a way to drive them around and a bigger house!)
I have been speaking to my sisters more often, which always brings joy. I miss them, but our lines of communication seem to flow easier. We all need each other, and we all know we are there for each other. It is great just knowing that they are on the other end sometimes (sisters by blood and not :D )... Norah has started homeschooling, and I love it. The one-on-one time with her has really helped the two of us. We are developing a better balance and she is excelling, even more than I thought she would. The boys are growing by leaps and bounds. Although they look like little men, they are still snuggle-bugs. They are almost three already and definitely test boundaries. Most days it's fine. Other days, I do wonder why God would ever give people more than one baby at a time.... and then when they both snuggle up, I remember. :) One thing that brings us great joy is the launching of 'Caroline's Christmas Gift' to help out a local woman. I'm sure that I'll blog more about this. We are very excited!! It will help us to get through the Christmas season a bit easier.. :)
Life, overall, is good. :) I mean, what would life be without a few bumps in the road?? (ok. Caroline dying is NOT a bump in the road. That was a sinkhole. I'd happily do anything to have her back. Realistically, I know that isn't going to happen, but I'd take even one more minute.)
So, I guess this turned into an update blog. Just a lot going on. That said, I am trying to recommit to blogging. I find it really hard to pick out the fun times to blog about like I used to. I'm trying though!! I find that when I sit down to write, all I want to write about it Caroline. I know that it is a season. I know that I won't forget her. I just want to spend time thinking about her and remembering her... and sometimes, when I sit to write, that is the time that I have to spend remembering her. So, I guess I'm apologizing if you don't want to read about her. I will eventually *hopefully* transition back to the funny, real-life play-by-play of life with my Littles. In the meantime, please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers. Some days can definitely be a struggle. Some days are easier.... All days are still full of missing her.
Wednesday, 2 September 2015
Tell me one more time!
I've had many encounters over the last month that make me shake my head and wonder (often in my head at the moment... and then aloud later) 'WHAT THE EFF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!?'
I get it. I'm overweight at the moment. I just had a baby two months ago. What is your excuse? I also get that since I work with the public, I am scrutinized more - and by many more people. What I don't like is the fact that people's comments are starting to get to me. I already feel yucky sometimes, especially in this heat and humidity. Really though, I don't know why the extra 25 pounds I have on is so concerning to so many.
The comments started when she was about a month old. The joys of it being that many are from people that I don't even know. The rest coming from people that I hardly know.
'How are you going to get all of that weight off?'....... <face palm> Honestly, I plan to eat like a pig and do nothing, but hope for the best. Seriously?? I'm not a heifer. I obviously am well aware that I have extra weight at the moment. How about I worry about it in a few more months if nothing fits STILL... I have had several people ask me this. I didn't know that my weight was so important to so many.
'So, when are you planning to have the baby?'....... <visibly irritated yet still trying not to show it>... I had her two months ago, so not any time soon?? How am I even supposed to respond to that? At least ask how the baby is doing or something after asking this question.... I made it my personal goal never to assume someone was pregnant, as sometimes they may have just had a baby or, hey, maybe they are just overweight.... and honestly, it is none of my business either way.
'You're pregnant again? Already?' ..... <clenching fists> No, dipshit, I just haven't lost all the babyweight yet. Really??? You know that I JUST had a baby. Even if you MIGHT be joking. Take a hike. Off a cliff.
.... and my new personal favourite.........
A random stranger was walking by this morning. Norah was in the front yard watching a Monarch butterfly. Andy and Everett were helping me to bring in the garbage cans and bring out the recycle. This man stops to look at Norah's butterfly, looks at me and says, 'so, what do you have in there? 20 kids?' Thankfully, he meant in the house, but, still!!!! I smiled it off and told him that no I did not have twenty kids. I have four. I smiled some more as he started to walk away <glared daggers at his back as soon as he passed>.
I don't know when people started to feel so comfortable to comment on other people's personal matters - at least to their face!! I know that I had many comments while pregnant and working as well. People would tell me things that would make me cringe daily. Why do I have to smile it off and be polite. They are being rude! I would just love to tell them what I think of their weight or their spending habits or their personal matters! Seriously, people, it's baby weight. Get over it. It's not fun; however, it is expected after having a baby. At least, keep your comments to yourself! I have enough on my plate as it is. I don't have the energy to devote to polite responses anymore <or the desire... I desire to punch people in the face when they are unreasonably rude>.
I LOVE that people look at me and just see the extra baby weight. They don't see what else is going on with me. I am trying to commit to the gym. I am trying to commit to eating regularly, as in changing this two big meals a day routine that I have for the better. I am trying to keep up with a newborn, two toddlers and a preschooler. I am trying to keep my house in order. I'm trying to keep up with restaurant tasks <yes, I went back to work about a month after having her. Yes, I'm enjoying it. Yes, I do have my priorities straight>. I'm trying... trying... and trying some more. Most of all, I'm trying to be healthy while doing all of that and dealing with everything else in life. The best that I can do, for myself and my family, is to try. Everything will work out fine for us.... maybe not so much for you, if you don't learn to keep your opinions on how I should look two months after having a baby to yourself.
I get it. I'm overweight at the moment. I just had a baby two months ago. What is your excuse? I also get that since I work with the public, I am scrutinized more - and by many more people. What I don't like is the fact that people's comments are starting to get to me. I already feel yucky sometimes, especially in this heat and humidity. Really though, I don't know why the extra 25 pounds I have on is so concerning to so many.
The comments started when she was about a month old. The joys of it being that many are from people that I don't even know. The rest coming from people that I hardly know.
'How are you going to get all of that weight off?'....... <face palm> Honestly, I plan to eat like a pig and do nothing, but hope for the best. Seriously?? I'm not a heifer. I obviously am well aware that I have extra weight at the moment. How about I worry about it in a few more months if nothing fits STILL... I have had several people ask me this. I didn't know that my weight was so important to so many.
'So, when are you planning to have the baby?'....... <visibly irritated yet still trying not to show it>... I had her two months ago, so not any time soon?? How am I even supposed to respond to that? At least ask how the baby is doing or something after asking this question.... I made it my personal goal never to assume someone was pregnant, as sometimes they may have just had a baby or, hey, maybe they are just overweight.... and honestly, it is none of my business either way.
'You're pregnant again? Already?' ..... <clenching fists> No, dipshit, I just haven't lost all the babyweight yet. Really??? You know that I JUST had a baby. Even if you MIGHT be joking. Take a hike. Off a cliff.
.... and my new personal favourite.........
A random stranger was walking by this morning. Norah was in the front yard watching a Monarch butterfly. Andy and Everett were helping me to bring in the garbage cans and bring out the recycle. This man stops to look at Norah's butterfly, looks at me and says, 'so, what do you have in there? 20 kids?' Thankfully, he meant in the house, but, still!!!! I smiled it off and told him that no I did not have twenty kids. I have four. I smiled some more as he started to walk away <glared daggers at his back as soon as he passed>.
I don't know when people started to feel so comfortable to comment on other people's personal matters - at least to their face!! I know that I had many comments while pregnant and working as well. People would tell me things that would make me cringe daily. Why do I have to smile it off and be polite. They are being rude! I would just love to tell them what I think of their weight or their spending habits or their personal matters! Seriously, people, it's baby weight. Get over it. It's not fun; however, it is expected after having a baby. At least, keep your comments to yourself! I have enough on my plate as it is. I don't have the energy to devote to polite responses anymore <or the desire... I desire to punch people in the face when they are unreasonably rude>.
I LOVE that people look at me and just see the extra baby weight. They don't see what else is going on with me. I am trying to commit to the gym. I am trying to commit to eating regularly, as in changing this two big meals a day routine that I have for the better. I am trying to keep up with a newborn, two toddlers and a preschooler. I am trying to keep my house in order. I'm trying to keep up with restaurant tasks <yes, I went back to work about a month after having her. Yes, I'm enjoying it. Yes, I do have my priorities straight>. I'm trying... trying... and trying some more. Most of all, I'm trying to be healthy while doing all of that and dealing with everything else in life. The best that I can do, for myself and my family, is to try. Everything will work out fine for us.... maybe not so much for you, if you don't learn to keep your opinions on how I should look two months after having a baby to yourself.
Thursday, 20 August 2015
Bah Humbug Birthday {Raw. Grief. Life.}
Today is a day that I have celebrated alongside Caroline for 25 years. Sure, it may not have always been a stellar day for me, but I'm quite sure that she usually had a blast. As today is her 26th birthday, it's been rather hard to celebrate. I celebrate the fact that she lived a beautiful life. She is still impacting people with her love for life, travel, and others. I miss her more than I could even write here.
I remember, when we were little, my love of event planning was fully exercised planning some of her birthday parties. Planning crafts and activities was always exciting, and keeping the day on schedule was definitely something that I enjoyed.... and still do, although there is a little bit of a damper on it at the moment, which seems to seep into many little times throughout the days.
Today was particularly difficult. Today, I was reminded (over and over again whenever I would think about it) that for the last two years, I have told Caroline that 'next year' I would go out and do something with her. With babies and a toddler and life as unpredictable as it can be, prioritizing the adult time of her birthday celebrations wasn't huge to me. It wasn't huge to her. We would always have time to do it next year. We would celebrate through the day with her - giving her gifts, taking her out for food (favourite pastime), and playing with the kids. .... BUT I missed out on some amazing girl time... just the 'big girls' as Norah would say.
I'll never get it back. I know that there is no way that we could have known what was coming. I still see her smiling and telling me not to worry. 'Take care of those kiddos. They need you more than me right now.' She was always making sure they stayed the priority, which they should be.
Regret is not a fun thing to live with. I am very thankful that I have very little in life to regret. I'm finding more and more that my regrets are linked to missed opportunities - mostly being discovered since Caroline's passing. I'm finding myself trying to learn to push aside the busy-ness of life and to embrace the moments that will leave me with memories. Yes, there are things that need to be done. They will get done.
There is a saying that goes something like 'everything in life can be stolen, but you can't take my memories.' It is so true. I know that the memories will remain. I know that the lessons will remain. I know that I will not regret this forever and that it's just been a long day. I know that last year on this day, we did not see this coming at all and there was no way that I'd be sitting here sad that I didn't have one last big hurrah for my sister's birthday.
I know she was over it (as if there was anything for her to get over, as she'd say). I know I will get there. It's just been a bah humbug type of birthday today. I guess I'd rather be sharing a glass of wine with her than with her grave.
I remember, when we were little, my love of event planning was fully exercised planning some of her birthday parties. Planning crafts and activities was always exciting, and keeping the day on schedule was definitely something that I enjoyed.... and still do, although there is a little bit of a damper on it at the moment, which seems to seep into many little times throughout the days.
Today was particularly difficult. Today, I was reminded (over and over again whenever I would think about it) that for the last two years, I have told Caroline that 'next year' I would go out and do something with her. With babies and a toddler and life as unpredictable as it can be, prioritizing the adult time of her birthday celebrations wasn't huge to me. It wasn't huge to her. We would always have time to do it next year. We would celebrate through the day with her - giving her gifts, taking her out for food (favourite pastime), and playing with the kids. .... BUT I missed out on some amazing girl time... just the 'big girls' as Norah would say.
I'll never get it back. I know that there is no way that we could have known what was coming. I still see her smiling and telling me not to worry. 'Take care of those kiddos. They need you more than me right now.' She was always making sure they stayed the priority, which they should be.
Regret is not a fun thing to live with. I am very thankful that I have very little in life to regret. I'm finding more and more that my regrets are linked to missed opportunities - mostly being discovered since Caroline's passing. I'm finding myself trying to learn to push aside the busy-ness of life and to embrace the moments that will leave me with memories. Yes, there are things that need to be done. They will get done.
There is a saying that goes something like 'everything in life can be stolen, but you can't take my memories.' It is so true. I know that the memories will remain. I know that the lessons will remain. I know that I will not regret this forever and that it's just been a long day. I know that last year on this day, we did not see this coming at all and there was no way that I'd be sitting here sad that I didn't have one last big hurrah for my sister's birthday.
I know she was over it (as if there was anything for her to get over, as she'd say). I know I will get there. It's just been a bah humbug type of birthday today. I guess I'd rather be sharing a glass of wine with her than with her grave.
Saturday, 15 August 2015
The New Normal {Raw. Grief. Life}
*This is a bit raw and heavier than usual. Just letting you know ahead of time. It's me though.... life isn't always sunshine and roses. :)*
There are many times lately, when I wondering what is wrong with me! This year, I've learned so much about life. I've learned so much about human emotion, how brains work, and how processes must be followed.
Whenever there is a major change in life, there is always a period of transition. I said many times while pregnant that I just needed her out, so that I could get back to normal. ... back to life.... back to routine... back to everything that I know ... back to normal.
BUT.... what do you do when the normal that you knew doesn't exist anymore?
As one who coasts relatively easily through life, let me tell you.... you struggle. Well, at least, I do. I have been for the last little while. I realize that even though my day-to-day functions are able to be controlled by my own rigid requirements for myself, there are things in life that I can't control. It makes me laugh, because, while growing up, I was often told by teachers that I needed to learn to be more flexible in life... and now, after being graduated for years, I finally am really starting to understand what that meant. I need to bend a bit more to life, as opposed to wanting and needing it to stay the same. The problem is that bending to life IS painful, especially when dealing with all that this year how thrown at me.
This year has been a roller coaster to say the least. From the high moments of absolute joy down to the depths of absolute disbelief and sadness, I think my brain has had about as much as it can handle.... and then, I wake up and do it all again the next day. Adding this little blessing to our family has been wonderful. She is a true joy and pleasure to have in our family. At the same time, I look at her and I'm so sad that I can't share her with my sister. Caroline would have loved her.... and this crosses my mind. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It is devastating over again... every day.
I'm learning that in grief, even though it can be accepted, the process of grieving will still come. It is surprising. It leaves me feeling discouraged at having to go through the motions, as I am busy and just sitting to have a cry often doesn't fit into my schedule (and having two toddlers and an almost five year old worry that I'm ok doesn't help either!).
Grieving the loss of someone very close has shocked me. I knew that it would be devastating and hard. I also knew that I would survive and had to look forward. Life would continue and the sting would fade - albeit the missing would always be there... However, we are six months in and I am shocked to say that life as I know it is completely different. My whole identity feels different without Caroline here. Even though I have my own family established and she didn't live with me day in and day out, I feel as though I'm learning to live all over again. ... learning to live without her.... and it hurts!
The longer that time passes, the more that I realize how our brains work. We went to a grief seminar through our local funeral home, and I think that is the only reason why I don't think I've gone crazy. We were taught about how the brain will grieve over time, because it literally CANNOT handle the grief process all at once. WOW! Is that amazing or what?? It seems that the process just has to take place. There is no bucking it! It will be easier to go through it rather than fight it. I just find that it's hard to go through, as I'm sure anyone would with a close loss. I don't want to stop and be sad. I don't want be anxious. I just want to keep busy and always smile over the memories I have of her.... but that's not how the human brain works... it needs to be sad sometimes. It needs to have moments where it can mourn. I'm learning that, even though I'm one who needs control, I need to allow my brain to do its job...
I'm realizing more and more that I have an obsession with being busy. It stops my brain from feeling... from mourning.... from hurting... Slowing down is absolutely scary to me, so we will see how this goes... I guess I'm never too old to learn something new....
Through all of this, I'm learning how amazing my family and friends are. Just to be encouraged and told that 'it's still fresh' or that I need to give myself a break is huge. It is so true that I expect a lot out of myself.... so, now it's time that I need to try to relax these expectations and let myself feel it's way through this time in my life. I don't know how I'm going to do it.... but I know that I'll get there... One day at a time. Trust me, some days I think I need to count the minutes, but, at the end of it all, I just remember that, as painful as it is, it won't be so bad forever.
I've been working to establish life again. I need a new normal. My little family has grown to six. I still come from a family of seven. One is just up above smiling down. I don't quite know what this new normal will look like. I'm hopeful. It's getting there.. I find that a lot of my plans do honour Caroline. Her desire to see me succeed and be healthy lives on. I will carry that legacy to my kids. ... even if I hate the gym and eating clean, I will do my best. She wanted to be here to see them grow, so the least I can do it my best to ensure that I will be. ... six months, and still such an inspiration.
Like I said, I'm hopeful. There are always going to be ups and downs in life. I'm trying to avoid this down from becoming a rut. Trying to keep it limited to hard moments, rather than having it swallow me whole.... This will pass. As they say, there is a time for everything.
There are many times lately, when I wondering what is wrong with me! This year, I've learned so much about life. I've learned so much about human emotion, how brains work, and how processes must be followed.
Whenever there is a major change in life, there is always a period of transition. I said many times while pregnant that I just needed her out, so that I could get back to normal. ... back to life.... back to routine... back to everything that I know ... back to normal.
BUT.... what do you do when the normal that you knew doesn't exist anymore?
As one who coasts relatively easily through life, let me tell you.... you struggle. Well, at least, I do. I have been for the last little while. I realize that even though my day-to-day functions are able to be controlled by my own rigid requirements for myself, there are things in life that I can't control. It makes me laugh, because, while growing up, I was often told by teachers that I needed to learn to be more flexible in life... and now, after being graduated for years, I finally am really starting to understand what that meant. I need to bend a bit more to life, as opposed to wanting and needing it to stay the same. The problem is that bending to life IS painful, especially when dealing with all that this year how thrown at me.
This year has been a roller coaster to say the least. From the high moments of absolute joy down to the depths of absolute disbelief and sadness, I think my brain has had about as much as it can handle.... and then, I wake up and do it all again the next day. Adding this little blessing to our family has been wonderful. She is a true joy and pleasure to have in our family. At the same time, I look at her and I'm so sad that I can't share her with my sister. Caroline would have loved her.... and this crosses my mind. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It is devastating over again... every day.
I'm learning that in grief, even though it can be accepted, the process of grieving will still come. It is surprising. It leaves me feeling discouraged at having to go through the motions, as I am busy and just sitting to have a cry often doesn't fit into my schedule (and having two toddlers and an almost five year old worry that I'm ok doesn't help either!).
Grieving the loss of someone very close has shocked me. I knew that it would be devastating and hard. I also knew that I would survive and had to look forward. Life would continue and the sting would fade - albeit the missing would always be there... However, we are six months in and I am shocked to say that life as I know it is completely different. My whole identity feels different without Caroline here. Even though I have my own family established and she didn't live with me day in and day out, I feel as though I'm learning to live all over again. ... learning to live without her.... and it hurts!
The longer that time passes, the more that I realize how our brains work. We went to a grief seminar through our local funeral home, and I think that is the only reason why I don't think I've gone crazy. We were taught about how the brain will grieve over time, because it literally CANNOT handle the grief process all at once. WOW! Is that amazing or what?? It seems that the process just has to take place. There is no bucking it! It will be easier to go through it rather than fight it. I just find that it's hard to go through, as I'm sure anyone would with a close loss. I don't want to stop and be sad. I don't want be anxious. I just want to keep busy and always smile over the memories I have of her.... but that's not how the human brain works... it needs to be sad sometimes. It needs to have moments where it can mourn. I'm learning that, even though I'm one who needs control, I need to allow my brain to do its job...
I'm realizing more and more that I have an obsession with being busy. It stops my brain from feeling... from mourning.... from hurting... Slowing down is absolutely scary to me, so we will see how this goes... I guess I'm never too old to learn something new....
Through all of this, I'm learning how amazing my family and friends are. Just to be encouraged and told that 'it's still fresh' or that I need to give myself a break is huge. It is so true that I expect a lot out of myself.... so, now it's time that I need to try to relax these expectations and let myself feel it's way through this time in my life. I don't know how I'm going to do it.... but I know that I'll get there... One day at a time. Trust me, some days I think I need to count the minutes, but, at the end of it all, I just remember that, as painful as it is, it won't be so bad forever.
I've been working to establish life again. I need a new normal. My little family has grown to six. I still come from a family of seven. One is just up above smiling down. I don't quite know what this new normal will look like. I'm hopeful. It's getting there.. I find that a lot of my plans do honour Caroline. Her desire to see me succeed and be healthy lives on. I will carry that legacy to my kids. ... even if I hate the gym and eating clean, I will do my best. She wanted to be here to see them grow, so the least I can do it my best to ensure that I will be. ... six months, and still such an inspiration.
Like I said, I'm hopeful. There are always going to be ups and downs in life. I'm trying to avoid this down from becoming a rut. Trying to keep it limited to hard moments, rather than having it swallow me whole.... This will pass. As they say, there is a time for everything.
Thursday, 30 July 2015
Not White
I have had the pleasure of going to many weddings in my lifetime.
Yes, they aren't always enjoyable. Some drag on, others fly by. The majority of them end well. The couples that I've seen united come from all backgrounds and their relationships are all different. It is awesome, regardless of how their day goes, to see them unite as a married couple.
Years ago, I was in attendance at a friend of mine's wedding. I was tucked nicely in the back, seated by a chatty aunt of the bride. After quick introductions, I realized that I had much more than I bargained for seated right beside me. While waiting for the bride to enter, I looked here, there, and anywhere but towards the woman seated at my right. She had an opinion on everything! Oh well, it was just a few minutes, and things would get going.
In true form, the procession started and the bridal party looked beautiful as they headed down the aisle. The bride took her first few steps and was just glowing. At this point, in a loud whisper, I hear a sentence that I will never forget.
"Hmmm. I'm happy she didn't wear white."
Excuse me!?! I was pretty blown away. Blown away by her boldness, for one... and then blown away by the fact that she had no idea who I was when she said this to me. Blown away by her being so judgmental, especially after being well informed that she was an upstanding religious woman.
Isn't life supposed to be about looking forward and letting the past be gone? There are times in life when past events can be relative; however, for the most part, unless you are on strike three in court for committing the same crime, things can and should be let go.
As for her opinion on the matter, she definitely didn't realize that she was more in the wrong than the bride would have been for wearing white to her wedding. Judging someone else, especially so harshly, is wrong. Maybe a mirror turned inward would do some good.
Oh, and, even if you ask me, I will not say whose wedding this was. :)
Yes, they aren't always enjoyable. Some drag on, others fly by. The majority of them end well. The couples that I've seen united come from all backgrounds and their relationships are all different. It is awesome, regardless of how their day goes, to see them unite as a married couple.
Years ago, I was in attendance at a friend of mine's wedding. I was tucked nicely in the back, seated by a chatty aunt of the bride. After quick introductions, I realized that I had much more than I bargained for seated right beside me. While waiting for the bride to enter, I looked here, there, and anywhere but towards the woman seated at my right. She had an opinion on everything! Oh well, it was just a few minutes, and things would get going.
In true form, the procession started and the bridal party looked beautiful as they headed down the aisle. The bride took her first few steps and was just glowing. At this point, in a loud whisper, I hear a sentence that I will never forget.
"Hmmm. I'm happy she didn't wear white."
Excuse me!?! I was pretty blown away. Blown away by her boldness, for one... and then blown away by the fact that she had no idea who I was when she said this to me. Blown away by her being so judgmental, especially after being well informed that she was an upstanding religious woman.
Isn't life supposed to be about looking forward and letting the past be gone? There are times in life when past events can be relative; however, for the most part, unless you are on strike three in court for committing the same crime, things can and should be let go.
As for her opinion on the matter, she definitely didn't realize that she was more in the wrong than the bride would have been for wearing white to her wedding. Judging someone else, especially so harshly, is wrong. Maybe a mirror turned inward would do some good.
Oh, and, even if you ask me, I will not say whose wedding this was. :)
Tuesday, 5 May 2015
Changing Perspectives
Lately, it's been a struggle to have a good attitude in some aspects of life. I've been praying about it and trying to make improvements, especially with regards to how often my husband is gone to work or away with work.
While waiting for him to return from a trip yesterday, we were parked and sitting there.... waiting... and waiting... and waiting... for him to return with the rental vehicle so that we could grab dinner and go home. I was getting agitated.
"Where is your dad? He is taking a lot longer than he thought!"
Norah looked at me and smiled. "Yes, but let's not tell him that. Let's just be excited to see him!"
Sometimes, it's the smallest reminders and the simplest things that will make a difference and refocus how we feel to being thankful for the small things.
We are so blessed to have this little girl in our lives, to remind us of what is important and inspire positive changes. :) Love you, Norah!
While waiting for him to return from a trip yesterday, we were parked and sitting there.... waiting... and waiting... and waiting... for him to return with the rental vehicle so that we could grab dinner and go home. I was getting agitated.
"Where is your dad? He is taking a lot longer than he thought!"
Norah looked at me and smiled. "Yes, but let's not tell him that. Let's just be excited to see him!"
Sometimes, it's the smallest reminders and the simplest things that will make a difference and refocus how we feel to being thankful for the small things.
We are so blessed to have this little girl in our lives, to remind us of what is important and inspire positive changes. :) Love you, Norah!
Thursday, 26 March 2015
Confessions of a 'Super-Mom'
If I'm going to give lessons, then I might as well give some confessions..... since I'm quite sure that everyone loves reading about other people's shortcomings. The definition of a 'Super-Mom' is yet to be defined. Since I'm often referred to as one, I might as well shed some light into how life actually is. Some of these will be funny and you might be able to relate to them. Others will be more serious.... and you might be able to relate to them. Just grab a glass of wine and chill.... and read on.
#1 - I can't stand hearing other moms complain about their kids - especially if it's a mom of a single child (as in they have one kid). I'm not going to say that life is easy, but why on earth would you ever come to me to complain about how much your three year old gets into each day. We can trade for a day and I'll almost guarantee that you will never complain again.... to anyone.
#2 - I will never be caught up on housework. Even on the best of cleaning days, there is still something left to do. Laundry, dishes, and vacuuming seem to be never-ending. Any day when I can get anything else done, I feel that is a huge accomplishment! Don't get me wrong, we aren't living in a pig pen.... We have five people and a dog living in somewhat cramped quarters, so our house is very lived in.
#3 - My kids and I would live in our pajamas if that were possible. They love them. I love them. Why change? If we aren't going anywhere (other than to the grandparents), the kids are rarely in anything but pajamas. Life is so much simpler when you can live in pajamas.
#4 - I struggled a lot internally by being defined as 'just a mom'. Everyone who knows me KNOWS that I am ALWAYS busy. I always have something on the go. Since becoming a mom, I feel that I need the structure of being out of the house at work sometimes to maintain my sanity. Part-time makes me feel the most balanced. On top of that, I often lend myself out a lot. Planning events and helping on committees are things that I enjoy immensely, but they tend to gobble up a lot of time. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being with my kids. I just find that I can mentally be a better mom if I have time to myself. I wish I could be a mom who was 100% satisfied with just being at home with the kids all the time. However, that is just not me. It's even still hard to admit. I just need to be able to get away sometimes.
#5 - Sometimes, I get frustrated with my kids. I might yell once in a while. I might leave them screaming on the outside of the washroom while I pee. I might let them have a tantrum on the floor for ten minutes because I shut the fridge. It's a part of parenting. Sometimes, kids know just what button to push. .... and that is ok. 'Super-Moms' can have bad moments too.... it's what you do afterwards that makes up for it. Being quick to apologize, give hugs and admit that I'm wrong teaches me that I'm not perfect.... and I think that it's important that my kids know that NO ONE is perfect.
I'm sure that I can add to this list. I'm sure that I will in the future. Being a mom is hard. Just be the best mom that you can be. :)
#1 - I can't stand hearing other moms complain about their kids - especially if it's a mom of a single child (as in they have one kid). I'm not going to say that life is easy, but why on earth would you ever come to me to complain about how much your three year old gets into each day. We can trade for a day and I'll almost guarantee that you will never complain again.... to anyone.
#2 - I will never be caught up on housework. Even on the best of cleaning days, there is still something left to do. Laundry, dishes, and vacuuming seem to be never-ending. Any day when I can get anything else done, I feel that is a huge accomplishment! Don't get me wrong, we aren't living in a pig pen.... We have five people and a dog living in somewhat cramped quarters, so our house is very lived in.
#3 - My kids and I would live in our pajamas if that were possible. They love them. I love them. Why change? If we aren't going anywhere (other than to the grandparents), the kids are rarely in anything but pajamas. Life is so much simpler when you can live in pajamas.
#4 - I struggled a lot internally by being defined as 'just a mom'. Everyone who knows me KNOWS that I am ALWAYS busy. I always have something on the go. Since becoming a mom, I feel that I need the structure of being out of the house at work sometimes to maintain my sanity. Part-time makes me feel the most balanced. On top of that, I often lend myself out a lot. Planning events and helping on committees are things that I enjoy immensely, but they tend to gobble up a lot of time. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being with my kids. I just find that I can mentally be a better mom if I have time to myself. I wish I could be a mom who was 100% satisfied with just being at home with the kids all the time. However, that is just not me. It's even still hard to admit. I just need to be able to get away sometimes.
#5 - Sometimes, I get frustrated with my kids. I might yell once in a while. I might leave them screaming on the outside of the washroom while I pee. I might let them have a tantrum on the floor for ten minutes because I shut the fridge. It's a part of parenting. Sometimes, kids know just what button to push. .... and that is ok. 'Super-Moms' can have bad moments too.... it's what you do afterwards that makes up for it. Being quick to apologize, give hugs and admit that I'm wrong teaches me that I'm not perfect.... and I think that it's important that my kids know that NO ONE is perfect.
I'm sure that I can add to this list. I'm sure that I will in the future. Being a mom is hard. Just be the best mom that you can be. :)
Lessons from a 'Super-Mom'
I hear myself be referred to as a 'Super-Mom' often. It makes me cringe. I don't know what everyone's definition of a 'Super-Mom' is, but I'm quite sure that all moms (who love and take care of their kids) are super - regardless of how they parent.
I have a few guidelines that I stick to that help me along my mothering journey. If they can help you feel like a 'Super-Mom' too, then that is awesome! I have had the opportunity to watch many strong and loving mothers around while I grew up, including my own awesome mom. I've learned many things along the way, and I've adapted our lives to make parenting work. I am very lucky to have a supportive other half... aka hubby.
LESSON #1 - DO NOT COMPLAIN - be thankful that you have been blessed to have these little ones! While I was pregnant with the boys, I set out on a mission to be happy and not complain... and I did a good job! I firmly believed that mind over matter would win out over negativity. I was able to enjoy myself, even while in a lot of pain. I would allow myself to be in pain, but only allow myself self-pity for a moment. Life has to go on from disappointments and, if possible, limiting being miserable into a MOMENT rather than into a day, a week or a month makes a HUGE difference. Mind over matter can win! I've tried to keep this going. It's two years plus since they have been born, and I KNOW that training my mind to look positive instead of complaining makes a huge difference.
LESSON #2 - HAVE FUN - your kids are only young once! Snuggles, walks, playing at the park, running around in the backyard and just being silly are so important! Take the time away from housework and just have fun with your kiddos. Housework will always be there. Seriously, it doesn't go away. There will always be something more to do at the house... but, one day, the kids won't be there anymore - so enjoy them! One of my daughter's favourite activities to do together is to make pancakes for breakfast. It makes a huge mess (which doesn't always get cleaned up right away), but it's a great memory and great fun. Her brothers love eating them and we always make a double batch so we can snack on them later. :)
LESSON # 3 - FIND BALANCE - a big part of being a 'Super-Mom' (at least in my definition) is to be a happy mom! Take time for yourself and do things for yourself. Your kids will thank you if you are able to diffuse sometimes and just relax. For me, working outside of the home a few days a week makes me feel the most balanced. It gives me a lot of time with my kids and a decent amount of time keeping structure to my week as an adult. The struggle for balance is never-ending when you become a parent. You will always be pulled in so many directions. From a former work-aholic, trust me, balance is very important. When you find your happy place, stay in it as long as you can. If something isn't working for you, then change it up! Just because you're a mom and your kids' happiness means everything to you, it doesn't mean that you can't be happy too!
LESSON # 4 - DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF - Spills happen. Dirty clothes happen. Scrapes and bruises happen. Hugs and kisses heal so much. Laughter and joy also heal so much. Pick your battles. Let your children make small, age-appropriate decisions. Celebrate successes. Don't harp on failures... aka learning opportunities. Teach your children about life. Don't let life lessons pass them by, and, in the same sense, teach them what is important in life and not. If they grow up being respectful and loving, but have a hair out of place, THAT IS OK! Certain things will come with time! If they fall and get a hole in their knee on the way to family pictures, it will just add character to the pictures! Don't let little things ruin fun times. :)
LESSON # 5 - BE INVOLVED - KNOW your kids. LISTEN to your kids. From very, very early on, they do communicate if you are listening. Find out how their natural routines play out. Pay attention to what interests them. Seize learning opportunities and teachable moments. Learn about their temperaments and work with them. It is much easier to learn their weaknesses and grow with them. I know that our daughter is a lot like me, which can be a good thing and a bad thing. We realized this from a very early age. It makes it much easier to deal with her knowing this. I understand her thought processes and I'm able to communicate with her (she's four) on a level that she understands and in a way that will actually get through to her.
LESSON # 6 - DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF - I hate it when I'm called a 'Super-Mom.' I rarely feel like I'm one of the best moms ever. However, my daughter tells me often that I'm the best mom ever. I know that, if I try to be the best mom that I can be, my kids will know. Their approval is one of the best feelings ever. We can have a really bad day, and, at the end of it, I'm still often told that I'm the best. I have learned to let things go. I do my best and I make sure that it's enough for me.
Hope you read some of this and cut yourself some slack. Being a mom is hard work. We are all 'Super-Moms' if we do our best with our kids. Just relax and enjoy their childhood. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity to shape their minds and lives.
I have a few guidelines that I stick to that help me along my mothering journey. If they can help you feel like a 'Super-Mom' too, then that is awesome! I have had the opportunity to watch many strong and loving mothers around while I grew up, including my own awesome mom. I've learned many things along the way, and I've adapted our lives to make parenting work. I am very lucky to have a supportive other half... aka hubby.
LESSON #1 - DO NOT COMPLAIN - be thankful that you have been blessed to have these little ones! While I was pregnant with the boys, I set out on a mission to be happy and not complain... and I did a good job! I firmly believed that mind over matter would win out over negativity. I was able to enjoy myself, even while in a lot of pain. I would allow myself to be in pain, but only allow myself self-pity for a moment. Life has to go on from disappointments and, if possible, limiting being miserable into a MOMENT rather than into a day, a week or a month makes a HUGE difference. Mind over matter can win! I've tried to keep this going. It's two years plus since they have been born, and I KNOW that training my mind to look positive instead of complaining makes a huge difference.
LESSON #2 - HAVE FUN - your kids are only young once! Snuggles, walks, playing at the park, running around in the backyard and just being silly are so important! Take the time away from housework and just have fun with your kiddos. Housework will always be there. Seriously, it doesn't go away. There will always be something more to do at the house... but, one day, the kids won't be there anymore - so enjoy them! One of my daughter's favourite activities to do together is to make pancakes for breakfast. It makes a huge mess (which doesn't always get cleaned up right away), but it's a great memory and great fun. Her brothers love eating them and we always make a double batch so we can snack on them later. :)
LESSON # 3 - FIND BALANCE - a big part of being a 'Super-Mom' (at least in my definition) is to be a happy mom! Take time for yourself and do things for yourself. Your kids will thank you if you are able to diffuse sometimes and just relax. For me, working outside of the home a few days a week makes me feel the most balanced. It gives me a lot of time with my kids and a decent amount of time keeping structure to my week as an adult. The struggle for balance is never-ending when you become a parent. You will always be pulled in so many directions. From a former work-aholic, trust me, balance is very important. When you find your happy place, stay in it as long as you can. If something isn't working for you, then change it up! Just because you're a mom and your kids' happiness means everything to you, it doesn't mean that you can't be happy too!
LESSON # 4 - DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF - Spills happen. Dirty clothes happen. Scrapes and bruises happen. Hugs and kisses heal so much. Laughter and joy also heal so much. Pick your battles. Let your children make small, age-appropriate decisions. Celebrate successes. Don't harp on failures... aka learning opportunities. Teach your children about life. Don't let life lessons pass them by, and, in the same sense, teach them what is important in life and not. If they grow up being respectful and loving, but have a hair out of place, THAT IS OK! Certain things will come with time! If they fall and get a hole in their knee on the way to family pictures, it will just add character to the pictures! Don't let little things ruin fun times. :)
LESSON # 5 - BE INVOLVED - KNOW your kids. LISTEN to your kids. From very, very early on, they do communicate if you are listening. Find out how their natural routines play out. Pay attention to what interests them. Seize learning opportunities and teachable moments. Learn about their temperaments and work with them. It is much easier to learn their weaknesses and grow with them. I know that our daughter is a lot like me, which can be a good thing and a bad thing. We realized this from a very early age. It makes it much easier to deal with her knowing this. I understand her thought processes and I'm able to communicate with her (she's four) on a level that she understands and in a way that will actually get through to her.
LESSON # 6 - DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF - I hate it when I'm called a 'Super-Mom.' I rarely feel like I'm one of the best moms ever. However, my daughter tells me often that I'm the best mom ever. I know that, if I try to be the best mom that I can be, my kids will know. Their approval is one of the best feelings ever. We can have a really bad day, and, at the end of it, I'm still often told that I'm the best. I have learned to let things go. I do my best and I make sure that it's enough for me.
Hope you read some of this and cut yourself some slack. Being a mom is hard work. We are all 'Super-Moms' if we do our best with our kids. Just relax and enjoy their childhood. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity to shape their minds and lives.
Tuesday, 10 March 2015
Boys Are So Different
Having twin boys is so very, very different than having our first girl.
Norah was speaking full sentences at 15 months, always has enjoyed being one of the adults, and she is a sassy, little lady, full of energy and fun. She is always close by and tends not to get into trouble... actually, it is usually her smart mouth that gets her into the most trouble.
Everett and Andy, who are now two and a bit, couldn't care less to talk (at least around family.... apparently, they love talking to strangers... fun fun!). They seem to thrive off of being babies. They love just grunting, groaning and pointing. Don't get me wrong... the boys are tons of fun and don't often get into too much trouble... They have, however, mastered the art of divide and conquer. One will be climbing on the dining room table, while the other is climbing a shelf in the living room. One will be in the fridge, running around with eggs; the other will be in the bathroom, throwing the WHOLE roll of toilet paper in and trying to flush it. They seem to be able to pick out anything that goes unnoticed that gives them an opportunity to capitalize on something they aren't supposed to do... they keep us on our toes.
Today was a long day. Long in the sense that the boys were all over each other all day..... and they have the bruises to show for it. Today, it seemed as though they were training for a MMA fight or something similar. The amount of punches thrown, kicks that met the other's flesh, and hitting surprised me. I would look away and then turn back just to see one straddling the other (with Norah shouting "HE'S NOT A HORSE!" in the background). Jumping off of things and onto each other. Yes, today was a long day... (I can still hear the thud of the time their heads banged into each other full force... at least we got a few minutes of quiet snuggles... as they both recharged!! :S)....
I blame it on the weather, by the way.... if it was warmer outside, they would have a lot more space to expend all of this pent up energy!
So, bedtime FINALLY came around. Everett fell asleep so peacefully. Andy's nose was bugging him a bit, so he kept rubbing it. I looked closer, and he was picking it a bit. Whatever, it's his nose.... A couple of minutes later, he is just lying there, still picking his nose.... which is when I notice ..... he's picking his nose and putting his boogers on Everett's arm, which is placed close to him in bed.....
OK, Andy, you win.... just go to sleep.
Norah was speaking full sentences at 15 months, always has enjoyed being one of the adults, and she is a sassy, little lady, full of energy and fun. She is always close by and tends not to get into trouble... actually, it is usually her smart mouth that gets her into the most trouble.
Everett and Andy, who are now two and a bit, couldn't care less to talk (at least around family.... apparently, they love talking to strangers... fun fun!). They seem to thrive off of being babies. They love just grunting, groaning and pointing. Don't get me wrong... the boys are tons of fun and don't often get into too much trouble... They have, however, mastered the art of divide and conquer. One will be climbing on the dining room table, while the other is climbing a shelf in the living room. One will be in the fridge, running around with eggs; the other will be in the bathroom, throwing the WHOLE roll of toilet paper in and trying to flush it. They seem to be able to pick out anything that goes unnoticed that gives them an opportunity to capitalize on something they aren't supposed to do... they keep us on our toes.
Today was a long day. Long in the sense that the boys were all over each other all day..... and they have the bruises to show for it. Today, it seemed as though they were training for a MMA fight or something similar. The amount of punches thrown, kicks that met the other's flesh, and hitting surprised me. I would look away and then turn back just to see one straddling the other (with Norah shouting "HE'S NOT A HORSE!" in the background). Jumping off of things and onto each other. Yes, today was a long day... (I can still hear the thud of the time their heads banged into each other full force... at least we got a few minutes of quiet snuggles... as they both recharged!! :S)....
I blame it on the weather, by the way.... if it was warmer outside, they would have a lot more space to expend all of this pent up energy!
So, bedtime FINALLY came around. Everett fell asleep so peacefully. Andy's nose was bugging him a bit, so he kept rubbing it. I looked closer, and he was picking it a bit. Whatever, it's his nose.... A couple of minutes later, he is just lying there, still picking his nose.... which is when I notice ..... he's picking his nose and putting his boogers on Everett's arm, which is placed close to him in bed.....
OK, Andy, you win.... just go to sleep.
Saturday, 28 February 2015
Big Sister.... Again!!!!
As many of you know, we are expecting our last planned addition to this family in July 2015.
I don't think anyone is as consumed with this news as Norah Jayne. She is a big excited ball of emotions over her new arrival (which we believe is a sister - we will reconfirm in a few weeks)....
... and she has the best things to say about it!!! I'll try to group our conversations into different categories, as it can be hard to follow the various trains of thought as they don't happen consecutively.
The Cinderella Stage....
One day, Norah looked at me, and said that she really hoped that she would have a baby sister. She said that she has always wanted an evil step-sister... you know, someone who will be mean to her and tell her to do her chores. She is very excited, as she feels an evil step-sister would be a great addition to our family. I mean, she's ALWAYS wanted one... for the four years she has been alive. :)
Norah is very into naming things.... and, when it comes to baby names, that is not an exception. One day, as I was rocking her brother in the chair, she walked up, slowed the rocking, and looked me straight in the eyes.
"Mom, I have the best name for the new baby!!"
"Oh ya, what is it?"
"Lucifer!"
<Face palm, as I immediately thought of the devil.... it took me a minute to make the Cinderella connection... for those who don't know, it's the cat...>
"Norah, we can't name the baby Lucifer."
"Why not?"
"We just can't." Won't... we WON'T! There is no way...
"Well, just think about it.... it is a good name."
"Sure, honey.... " NOT going to happen. EVER.
The Welcoming Stage
"I'm going to be her second mommy! I'm going to feed her and change her diapers and put her to bed and make sure she listens to all the rules!" Smiles all around. :)
"I'm going to be the first one to meet her!! And then, I'm going to bring the grandmas in to see her too, but I'll be the one holding her!"
The Un-Welcoming Stage
"So, I'm not going to be your littlest girl anymore??"
"I don't think we need a new baby. The brothers are too loud already."
The Excited Stage
"I'm going to go shopping and choose out dresses for her!!"
"I LOVE her name!"
"I can't wait for Dr. Chan to take her out of your belly so I can see her!"
"I felt her kicking! Wow!!! It's going to be more like a punch when she is out of your belly!"
The Sad Stage
"Well, if we name her Caroline, then we will still have Caroline!" This one broke my heart.
It's so much fun anticipating a new baby with a daughter who is old enough to understand and be excited with us. She loves the updates and how the belly is growing and knowing that there is someone little inside there who is going to love her like crazy. :)
Such a bittersweet year. It is so wonderful to have a little girl in my life to show me what life is like as a child.... and that your happies can come back from vacation, even if a chunk of your heart is missing. .....
Love you to the moon and back Caroline!
I don't think anyone is as consumed with this news as Norah Jayne. She is a big excited ball of emotions over her new arrival (which we believe is a sister - we will reconfirm in a few weeks)....
... and she has the best things to say about it!!! I'll try to group our conversations into different categories, as it can be hard to follow the various trains of thought as they don't happen consecutively.
The Cinderella Stage....
One day, Norah looked at me, and said that she really hoped that she would have a baby sister. She said that she has always wanted an evil step-sister... you know, someone who will be mean to her and tell her to do her chores. She is very excited, as she feels an evil step-sister would be a great addition to our family. I mean, she's ALWAYS wanted one... for the four years she has been alive. :)
Norah is very into naming things.... and, when it comes to baby names, that is not an exception. One day, as I was rocking her brother in the chair, she walked up, slowed the rocking, and looked me straight in the eyes.
"Mom, I have the best name for the new baby!!"
"Oh ya, what is it?"
"Lucifer!"
<Face palm, as I immediately thought of the devil.... it took me a minute to make the Cinderella connection... for those who don't know, it's the cat...>
"Norah, we can't name the baby Lucifer."
"Why not?"
"We just can't." Won't... we WON'T! There is no way...
"Well, just think about it.... it is a good name."
"Sure, honey.... " NOT going to happen. EVER.
The Welcoming Stage
"I'm going to be her second mommy! I'm going to feed her and change her diapers and put her to bed and make sure she listens to all the rules!" Smiles all around. :)
"I'm going to be the first one to meet her!! And then, I'm going to bring the grandmas in to see her too, but I'll be the one holding her!"
The Un-Welcoming Stage
"So, I'm not going to be your littlest girl anymore??"
"I don't think we need a new baby. The brothers are too loud already."
The Excited Stage
"I'm going to go shopping and choose out dresses for her!!"
"I LOVE her name!"
"I can't wait for Dr. Chan to take her out of your belly so I can see her!"
"I felt her kicking! Wow!!! It's going to be more like a punch when she is out of your belly!"
The Sad Stage
"Well, if we name her Caroline, then we will still have Caroline!" This one broke my heart.
It's so much fun anticipating a new baby with a daughter who is old enough to understand and be excited with us. She loves the updates and how the belly is growing and knowing that there is someone little inside there who is going to love her like crazy. :)
Such a bittersweet year. It is so wonderful to have a little girl in my life to show me what life is like as a child.... and that your happies can come back from vacation, even if a chunk of your heart is missing. .....
Love you to the moon and back Caroline!
Tuesday, 24 February 2015
The Grieving Pre-Schooler
Grief is a very complex group of emotions to deal with for anyone. This is an extremely hard post to write, but, unfortunately, right now, I don't have many light moments to share.
While navigating through life without my sister, my children's Auntie Caroline, it has been rough to say the least. A part of it that has been the toughest, yet at times the brightest, is when I'm discussing issues about her death with our daughter.
Not only has she asked quite the interesting questions, both before her death, but also after... and she is a smarty pants, so she knows how to use it for her benefit...
Here's some fun and heart-wrenching stories from the last few months. I do try to keep this blog light-hearted. I do feel that I need to write about these things. I want Norah to be able to read this later. I've been on hiatus since we found out she was ill again. It's been a long few months, but it's time to let everyone back in again. :)
At first, when we explained to Norah that Auntie Caroline was sick, she didn't quite realize the severity of it, as any four-year old likely would not. She started praying for her every day to be healed with a miracle and to be comfortable and happy. She prayed fervently and with her whole heart every day. It was very important to her. With such a dire prognosis, we began the process of explaining that Auntie Caroline was very sick and wouldn't be getting any better - that she would soon die and go to Heaven. Tough times all around......
About a month in, Caroline was hospitalized at Christmastime, and it seemed then that Norah became obsessed with what was happening. I remember vividly, as I handed her the phone, the fear and questions in her eyes.
"Hi. Auntie Caroline??" .... "Are you in the sky now?" ..... "Ok, good. I didn't think you were, because I wouldn't be able to talk to you still if you were...." Cute and funny, but kind of let us know where she was at, and obviously kind of worried about what was to come.
Things progressed quickly, and Auntie Caroline was insistent that she see the kids often. She would pop over just to see them, smiling ear to ear, cuddling them and holding them and telling them how much she loved them. Norah would often pipe up, asking, "So, are you still dying?" and Caroline would just smile, telling her, "Yes, honey, but not right now."
It was at these times that Norah started waking through the night.
"Mom, can you talk?"
"Sure, hon, what's up?"
"Is Auntie Caroline still going to have a head when she dies?"
"Yes, honey."
"For real!?! .... Well, what about her feet? Will she still have feet??"
"I'm not sure... do angels need feet after they get wings??"
"Oh ya! I forgot that she will be flying!"
"Mom, can you talk?"
"Sure. What do you want to talk about?"
"Auntie Caroline"
"Ok, what are you thinking?"
"Did you know that, after she dies, I'll still be able to feel her give me hugs and kisses?"
"That's awesome, Norah... she sure is special and she sure does love you. She always will."
"Yep. She IS special!"
The conversations would go on and on...
... and Caroline's cancer kept growing and spreading, no matter what she tried....
Too soon after, we found out that her liver was failing and within a week, our whole world came crashing down. On Monday, when I told Norah that Auntie Caroline would soon be leaving Grandma and Grandpa's house forever, she did not take it well. It was then that she realized that Auntie Caroline would not be getting better. It literally broke my heart to see her realize this.
She looked up at me with unmistakeable anger in her eyes, and a reaction that I did not expect.
"Well, obviously Jesus doesn't give miracles, so I'll just have to become God to give her one."
I told her that we can still pray, but, at this point, it just needs to be for Auntie to be happy. She has refused to pray ever since.
She became desperate and started to reach out for anything that she sees in movies that might help. Magic potions and spells... anything that might work.... (To this day a few weeks later, she still says that if she had only found the magic flower, then Auntie Caroline would still be here....)
On Wednesday, Caroline's last day home before going into hospice, we went over for family dinner. Norah played and kept giving Auntie Caroline a 'play' meal and had a tea party with her as best she could. She just smiled and watched Norah. It was awesome. When the time came to leave, Norah just wouldn't say good-bye. We didn't force the issue. We didn't want to say good-bye either.
The next day, Caroline received a couple pictures with kids via text from me, telling her that we can't wait to see her. On Friday, we called to chat... Norah took the phone and just plainly asks, "Auntie Caroline, WHY are you SICK!?" For the first time, I could tell that Caroline was emotionally tired. "Because my body is failing me." Norah said good-bye and ran off to play... leaving me and Caroline with not much to say. We both knew that she was in pain, and that it wouldn't be long. Tons of love between us, but no cure.. Norah made her a special sign for her door and sent it up to hospice for her door to her room. She was so proud of her sign.
We went up to visit on the Sunday, and Norah entertained her to the best of her ability. It was nice to see her come in and out of the room. Caroline was laughing and showing her how the remote for her bed worked and just enjoying the little bit of loving that a four-year-old can bring. She LOVED seeing her sign on the door. Again, she didn't want to say good-bye.
The next day Auntie Caroline passed away, which is something that I still can't write without tearing up!!! It was just too fast for us, but the timing was perfect for her.... Peaceful and beautiful, as always.
Since then, the emotions that have come out of Norah have been all over the place. It comes down to the fact that four-year-olds grieve similarly to adults. She is going through the stages just like the rest of us.. I've found that it's not predictable where she is at, but it is all happening nonetheless.
When she saw Caroline at the funeral home, she was relieved, as Caroline just looked like she was sleeping. Then, she believed that she would always be able to come visit her at the funeral home. Where she got this idea, I am not sure, but it was a hard one to have her believe otherwise. She refused going to the funeral altogether, which was fine. We had explained what would happen, and she wanted no part of it. She firmly believed that if she didn't come, then it wouldn't happen... but it did.
She still asks where Auntie Caroline is and why she isn't at Grandma and Grandpa's. She can recite the answer, but she still can't believe it. ... I guess it's hard for me to believe sometimes too.
She saw the sign up in Auntie Caroline's room, and I think it really broke her heart. "That's NOT supposed to be here! It's supposed to be for Auntie Caroline's room, WITH HER!" ...
There are so many moments that I have been able to sit and talk with Norah about life and death. We are blessed that we can come back to so many wonderful memories about Auntie Caroline. ....
.. and the kicker is that she is a smarty-pants. When talking to the children's social worker at hospice, she warned me that some children will know how to manipulate situations. .... and Norah thought she might have that one nailed, but we were prepared.... She does pull out her grief in the moments when she knows she is misbehaving. The crocodile tears start and the "I miss my Auntie Caroline" comes out.... we take a moment and talk about Auntie Caroline and how awesome she was and how nice she was... and then Norah still gets her little 'kick in the pants' for whatever she was up to...
... and then we remember some more that life must go on, but we can always smile through our grief and enjoy the memories that we have of Auntie Caroline.
I could literally write conversation after conversation of Norah talking through her grief... maybe I will add to this in the future, but, for now, I'll let it simmer. It's actually been nice to write it out finally.... and I know that Caroline would be happy to see me write again, as she always told me to keep it up cause she loved reading about Norah and the boys (and she told me it was fine to write about her, as well). :)
Miss you, girly!
While navigating through life without my sister, my children's Auntie Caroline, it has been rough to say the least. A part of it that has been the toughest, yet at times the brightest, is when I'm discussing issues about her death with our daughter.
Not only has she asked quite the interesting questions, both before her death, but also after... and she is a smarty pants, so she knows how to use it for her benefit...
Here's some fun and heart-wrenching stories from the last few months. I do try to keep this blog light-hearted. I do feel that I need to write about these things. I want Norah to be able to read this later. I've been on hiatus since we found out she was ill again. It's been a long few months, but it's time to let everyone back in again. :)
At first, when we explained to Norah that Auntie Caroline was sick, she didn't quite realize the severity of it, as any four-year old likely would not. She started praying for her every day to be healed with a miracle and to be comfortable and happy. She prayed fervently and with her whole heart every day. It was very important to her. With such a dire prognosis, we began the process of explaining that Auntie Caroline was very sick and wouldn't be getting any better - that she would soon die and go to Heaven. Tough times all around......
About a month in, Caroline was hospitalized at Christmastime, and it seemed then that Norah became obsessed with what was happening. I remember vividly, as I handed her the phone, the fear and questions in her eyes.
"Hi. Auntie Caroline??" .... "Are you in the sky now?" ..... "Ok, good. I didn't think you were, because I wouldn't be able to talk to you still if you were...." Cute and funny, but kind of let us know where she was at, and obviously kind of worried about what was to come.
Things progressed quickly, and Auntie Caroline was insistent that she see the kids often. She would pop over just to see them, smiling ear to ear, cuddling them and holding them and telling them how much she loved them. Norah would often pipe up, asking, "So, are you still dying?" and Caroline would just smile, telling her, "Yes, honey, but not right now."
It was at these times that Norah started waking through the night.
"Mom, can you talk?"
"Sure, hon, what's up?"
"Is Auntie Caroline still going to have a head when she dies?"
"Yes, honey."
"For real!?! .... Well, what about her feet? Will she still have feet??"
"I'm not sure... do angels need feet after they get wings??"
"Oh ya! I forgot that she will be flying!"
"Mom, can you talk?"
"Sure. What do you want to talk about?"
"Auntie Caroline"
"Ok, what are you thinking?"
"Did you know that, after she dies, I'll still be able to feel her give me hugs and kisses?"
"That's awesome, Norah... she sure is special and she sure does love you. She always will."
"Yep. She IS special!"
The conversations would go on and on...
... and Caroline's cancer kept growing and spreading, no matter what she tried....
Too soon after, we found out that her liver was failing and within a week, our whole world came crashing down. On Monday, when I told Norah that Auntie Caroline would soon be leaving Grandma and Grandpa's house forever, she did not take it well. It was then that she realized that Auntie Caroline would not be getting better. It literally broke my heart to see her realize this.
She looked up at me with unmistakeable anger in her eyes, and a reaction that I did not expect.
"Well, obviously Jesus doesn't give miracles, so I'll just have to become God to give her one."
I told her that we can still pray, but, at this point, it just needs to be for Auntie to be happy. She has refused to pray ever since.
She became desperate and started to reach out for anything that she sees in movies that might help. Magic potions and spells... anything that might work.... (To this day a few weeks later, she still says that if she had only found the magic flower, then Auntie Caroline would still be here....)
On Wednesday, Caroline's last day home before going into hospice, we went over for family dinner. Norah played and kept giving Auntie Caroline a 'play' meal and had a tea party with her as best she could. She just smiled and watched Norah. It was awesome. When the time came to leave, Norah just wouldn't say good-bye. We didn't force the issue. We didn't want to say good-bye either.
The next day, Caroline received a couple pictures with kids via text from me, telling her that we can't wait to see her. On Friday, we called to chat... Norah took the phone and just plainly asks, "Auntie Caroline, WHY are you SICK!?" For the first time, I could tell that Caroline was emotionally tired. "Because my body is failing me." Norah said good-bye and ran off to play... leaving me and Caroline with not much to say. We both knew that she was in pain, and that it wouldn't be long. Tons of love between us, but no cure.. Norah made her a special sign for her door and sent it up to hospice for her door to her room. She was so proud of her sign.
We went up to visit on the Sunday, and Norah entertained her to the best of her ability. It was nice to see her come in and out of the room. Caroline was laughing and showing her how the remote for her bed worked and just enjoying the little bit of loving that a four-year-old can bring. She LOVED seeing her sign on the door. Again, she didn't want to say good-bye.
The next day Auntie Caroline passed away, which is something that I still can't write without tearing up!!! It was just too fast for us, but the timing was perfect for her.... Peaceful and beautiful, as always.
Since then, the emotions that have come out of Norah have been all over the place. It comes down to the fact that four-year-olds grieve similarly to adults. She is going through the stages just like the rest of us.. I've found that it's not predictable where she is at, but it is all happening nonetheless.
When she saw Caroline at the funeral home, she was relieved, as Caroline just looked like she was sleeping. Then, she believed that she would always be able to come visit her at the funeral home. Where she got this idea, I am not sure, but it was a hard one to have her believe otherwise. She refused going to the funeral altogether, which was fine. We had explained what would happen, and she wanted no part of it. She firmly believed that if she didn't come, then it wouldn't happen... but it did.
She still asks where Auntie Caroline is and why she isn't at Grandma and Grandpa's. She can recite the answer, but she still can't believe it. ... I guess it's hard for me to believe sometimes too.
She saw the sign up in Auntie Caroline's room, and I think it really broke her heart. "That's NOT supposed to be here! It's supposed to be for Auntie Caroline's room, WITH HER!" ...
There are so many moments that I have been able to sit and talk with Norah about life and death. We are blessed that we can come back to so many wonderful memories about Auntie Caroline. ....
.. and the kicker is that she is a smarty-pants. When talking to the children's social worker at hospice, she warned me that some children will know how to manipulate situations. .... and Norah thought she might have that one nailed, but we were prepared.... She does pull out her grief in the moments when she knows she is misbehaving. The crocodile tears start and the "I miss my Auntie Caroline" comes out.... we take a moment and talk about Auntie Caroline and how awesome she was and how nice she was... and then Norah still gets her little 'kick in the pants' for whatever she was up to...
... and then we remember some more that life must go on, but we can always smile through our grief and enjoy the memories that we have of Auntie Caroline.
I could literally write conversation after conversation of Norah talking through her grief... maybe I will add to this in the future, but, for now, I'll let it simmer. It's actually been nice to write it out finally.... and I know that Caroline would be happy to see me write again, as she always told me to keep it up cause she loved reading about Norah and the boys (and she told me it was fine to write about her, as well). :)
Miss you, girly!
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